Every parent deserves the occasional night of revelry. But as any parent can attest, indulging in a few too many drinks can lead to some pretty overwhelming consequences. When you have little ones depending on you, the level of responsibility you feel diminishes as the number of cocktails consumed rises. While it might be a stretch to liken a hangover to the stages of grief, I found myself navigating through some familiar phases after a recent evening out with friends.
The phases of hungover parenting:
- Denial: This phase hits hard. You slowly pry open one bloodshot eye and are jolted into panic upon realizing it’s Saturday, and there’s no calling in sick. Your kids have invaded your bed. You naively believe that a couple of Advil and a can of soda will fix everything. Surely it’s not that bad? Then you turn your head too quickly, experience a wave of nausea, and wish the earth would just swallow you whole. Unfortunately, unless you reside in an area known for sinkholes, that’s not happening.
- Embarrassment: This feeling can swiftly follow denial when your oldest child inquires why you crashed with a half-eaten burrito from the taco place. To divert attention from yourself, you hastily tell them to finish their homework. “But it’s Saturday,” they remind you. DAMN YOU SATURDAY!
- Anger: You must escape this phase as soon as possible. While it may be tempting to fantasize about how you’d get back at the bartender who served you too many drinks, remember—she is not the enemy. The Lego piece you stepped on didn’t leap into your path intentionally, and that wall didn’t just decide to be in your way. Ultimately, you chose to have kids, so venting frustration at them won’t help.
- Bargaining: Attempting to negotiate with children is usually a lost cause, but doing so while battling a hangover is even more futile. Kids can smell weakness, and if you’re in a vulnerable state, they might just convince you that a Snickers bar for breakfast is a solid idea. No child has ever been permanently damaged by this, and that candy could buy you some much-needed time on the couch to rock back and forth in the fetal position.
- Sighing: This phase is all about sighing. A lot of it.
- Depression: Here, self-pity reaches new heights. You realize there are still 11 long hours ahead until bedtime, and your kids will be awake for most of them. Sadness wraps around you just like those pre-mom jeans you wish you could fit into again. It’s perfectly acceptable to shed a tear or two. You might even consider driving to get yourself a chocolate shake, only to realize you could be arrested for driving under the influence if pulled over. Cue the tears again.
- Acceptance: After all the shouting, weeping, and sighing, you finally accept that today simply isn’t your day. You’ve brought this upon yourself, and it’s time to summon your inner strength and parent, albeit from the couch and still in your pajamas. Pizza will be your go-to for all three meals, and you’ll spend the day counting down the minutes until bedtime while promising to swear off alcohol forever—along with any thoughts of having more kids.
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In summary, the journey of hungover parenting is a wild ride filled with ups and downs. From denial to acceptance, each stage is a reminder that while we may face challenges, we also have the resilience to tackle them—preferably from the comfort of our couch.
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