Updated: Aug. 20, 2015
Originally Published: April 17, 2015
Every so often, you manage to escape from your yoga pants and comfy tees for a much-anticipated night out without the kids. This rare adult outing can feel like a monumental journey, complete with ups and downs leading to your long-awaited evening of freedom. Here’s a humorous look at the 7 stages you’ll navigate to achieve that coveted child-free adventure.
- The Invitation: You receive a text, phone call, or a digital invite that sends your heart racing. “Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!” you think, as you respond enthusiastically. Just as you hit send, your infant decides to unleash a wave of spit-up all over you—because they know. Deep down, that little angel understands your plans all too well.
- The Sitter Hunt: With visions of sipping a cold margarita dancing in your head, you embark on the quest for a babysitter to watch your little ones for a few hours. You start with the grandparents, only to find they’re all out grooving at the disco night at Del Boca Vista (Phase III). Next, you turn to local high school students. After exhausting every option, you even consider the pizza delivery guy from the other night—he survived the chaos of your kids, so why not?
- The Acceptance: Once you confirm your attendance, you cross your fingers that your hostess’s sitter hasn’t flaked out. You begin to worry that your life has become too mundane to warrant an invitation. To prepare, you dive into some New York Times Bestsellers, hoping to find something other than toddler tantrums or binge-watching reality TV to discuss. You manage to read a chapter before switching to Wikipedia instead.
- Wardrobe Dilemmas: You open your closet, only to find it packed with maternity clothes or activewear that you never actually wear. A trip to Target is necessary to find a top that flatters your figure while hiding your postpartum belly. Just as you find the perfect shirt, your baby spits up on it in the fitting room. Of course, you still buy it—along with some stain remover.
- House Prep: The day of your adult night out is spent scrubbing and tidying your home from top to bottom. You want to ensure the pizza delivery guy doesn’t think you live in chaos. After straining your back mopping the floors, you pour a much-needed glass of wine, ignoring the pain because your sanity requires it.
- Kids’ Preparation: You pull out all the board games you despise, stock up on junk food you’d rather not serve, and cue every episode of Spongebob. You remind yourself that if you’re not there to see the chaos, it’s like it never happened. Tomorrow, you’ll return to organic veggies and healthy snacks—tonight is all about margaritas with extra salt.
- Preparing Your Partner: Remind your spouse that he’s a grown man capable of dressing himself. Also, casually mention that if he plays his cards right, he might get to undress you later. Try to push aside any negative body image thoughts—you’ll deal with that on Monday when you join a gym.
Finally, it’s time to leave the house. After a frantic escape from your squawking children, you realize all the preparation has left you too worn out to engage in any real conversation. Instead, you and your partner opt for drive-thru tacos and a bottle of tequila, enjoying a quiet meal parked a few houses down from your own. When you return home at 10:30, you find the kids still awake and the pizza guy snoozing in your La-Z-Boy. At least you don’t have to worry about driving him home!
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Summary
Planning an adult night out as a parent is a journey filled with ups and downs, from securing a sitter to getting ready and finally escaping the house. While the effort can be exhausting, the chance to enjoy some child-free time is always worth it.
Keyphrase: planning an adult night out
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