As the neighborhood welcomes a wave of fresh-faced new moms with kids sporting the latest Gymboree outfits, I find myself reminiscing about my own parenting journey. With my children now navigating the waters of elementary and middle school, it’s the perfect time to reflect on my triumphs and blunders (mostly blunders). Here are ten things I would approach differently if given the chance.
- No More Hamsters: First on the list is the decision to adopt hamsters—one or two, it doesn’t matter. The pressure to keep these little critters alive was overwhelming. I found myself cleaning their cage more often than tidying up my house, only for them to pass away anyway. If I can’t manage a 4-ounce rodent, what was I thinking about raising two children? Plus, it felt absurd to have mouse traps in the garage while we were praying for Nibbles to survive. I was basically a rodent serial killer, just like Hannibal Lecter, but with a cage in my basement.
- Ditch the Over-scheduled Dolls: I’ve got nothing against American Girl dolls, but my daughter’s doll had a calendar packed with high-end hobbies. She tried everything from snowboarding to violin lessons, only to give up on all of them. The disappointment was real. I can only imagine the therapy bills at the American Girl psychiatric hospital.
- Adopt a British Accent: Imagine the harmony in our household if we all spoke with British accents. “Mummy, I missed the loo” sounds better than “I peed on the floor again.” “That movie was bollocks” is infinitely more civilized than “that movie sucked.” Just think of the charm—“Mummy, may I have a biscuit?” “Of course, my lad. Off to the garden for a fortnight!”
- Skip Disney at Young Ages: Taking a 3 and 5-year-old to Disney World felt like we were on the Amazing Race, racing from one attraction to another with a mountain of stuff in tow. We were left dehydrated and exhausted, and after a day of madness, our reward was a fleeting ride on Dumbo. Not exactly the magic we envisioned.
- Avoid the Baby Einstein Phase: Those Baby Einstein videos were my go-to while prepping dinner. Sure, my toddlers can identify barnyard animals and colors, but those skills didn’t help them in school. I’d love a refund for those evenings spent on the couch!
- Hold Off on Sports: I enrolled my son in soccer at age 3, only for him to retire by age 5. Now he wishes he had stuck with it. Kids can be fickle; unless they’re genuinely interested, it’s better to wait. There will be plenty of time for sports later on, without the early morning pee-wee madness.
- Deceptive Menu Options: Before my kids could read, I should have fabricated the kids’ menu. If only I’d convinced them that arugula salad and rack of lamb were the only options, they might not be so obsessed with pizza and chicken nuggets.
- Skip the Expensive Classes: I spent a fortune on “music” and “gym” classes for my 2-year-old. Sure, my kids can jump in a ball pit, but did we really need pricey classes for that? My 3-year-old didn’t get a six-pack from weeks at the gym, so what was the point?
- One LEGO Set, Please: Instead of buying multiple LEGO kits, I should have just bought one massive set to be re-wrapped for each birthday. At first, the joy of building was amazing, but soon it turned into a nightmare when he became protective of his creations. “I don’t like LEGOs anymore” was a crushing realization.
- No Luxurious Birthday Parties: We threw our son a grand “Spider-Man” party when he was just 2. Years later, he looked at photos and asked, “Whose party was that?” Kids go to so many parties that they can hardly differentiate between them. Snap a few photos at someone else’s shindig, and you’re set!
So there you have it! Learn from my experiences, and perhaps think twice before saying, “It goes by so fast” to new moms.
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Keyphrase: parenting regrets
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