When 2015 began, instead of making typical New Year’s resolutions, I promised myself I would strive to be a better parent than I was the year before. There are countless areas where I can improve, but one that weighs heavily on my heart is how I speak to my children.
I often feel embarrassed about my interactions with them. I may excel at teaching manners, the importance of hard work, and even how to operate the lawn mower, but I find that my inner critic surfaces more frequently than I would like to admit.
I tend to lose my patience when they don’t follow through on my requests—requests that I seem to make every single day.
“Did you brush your teeth? Is your bed made? Hang up your backpack! Put your dirty dishes away!”
Can you relate? I can only imagine how tired they must be of hearing these reminders, as I know I am exhausted from repeating them. I often justify my yelling by telling myself that “I asked nicely three times, so they had it coming.” But why do I keep playing this nagging game while expecting different outcomes?
“Why can’t you just do it without me asking a thousand times? What part of ‘no’ don’t you get? If I have to remind you to do ____ one more time, I’m going to snap!”
My approach isn’t really parenting—it’s shaming. Deep down, I know that’s not who I want to be. I envision myself as a mother who wants to share laughter and love, demonstrate compassion and empathy, forgive, and lead by example. I strive to build strong relationships with my family that could weather any storm, yet I fear I’m driving a wedge between us.
How can I cultivate that desired relationship if I resort to shaming? Parenting should be about loving our children despite their mistakes, not punishing them for them.
As I wrestle with my own insecurities, I realize that many parents tend to replicate the behaviors they experienced growing up. An insightful article in Psychology Today refers to this as “a legacy of distorted love.” Exactly!
Brené Brown devotes a chapter in her book Daring Greatly to the concept of shame, and when I read it, it hit home hard: “Often, not being good at vulnerability means we’re damn good at shame.” Ouch, another realization.
It’s odd because I can express vulnerability in my writing (like this piece), yet the thought of being vulnerable as a parent terrifies me. I’m supposed to know what to do; I’m meant to have it all figured out. I can’t let my kids see that I don’t have every answer!
My real mistake hasn’t been in not being the perfect mother; it’s been failing to show my children the beauty of imperfection. When my kids stumble, I internalize it as my own failure. Instead of fostering a discussion about our mistakes, I inadvertently create a “shame storm” (a term I borrowed from Brené) to distract from my feelings of inadequacy. This reaction only amplifies the shame, and soon any valuable life lesson is overshadowed by the wreckage of shattered self-esteem.
Where’s the parenting manual when you need it? After each shameful incident, I’m left with a heap of guilt:
- What if I’ve irreparably harmed them?
- What if they look back on their childhood and wonder how they survived?
- What if they believe they’re not good enough?
- What if they resent me as adults?
- What if they can’t find a good job to pay for therapy?
Slowly, I’m learning that my past doesn’t define who I am. Brené says in Chapter 3 of Daring Greatly, “Own the story. Don’t bury it and let it fester or define you… If you own this story, you get to write the ending.”
So here I am, crafting a new narrative:
- Because I love my children, I will show them how to be strong and independent by acting with courage and living authentically.
- Because I love my children, I will inspire them to dream big and listen to their inner voices by following my own heart.
- Because I love my children, I will model the importance of solid relationships by being vulnerable and a “marble jar friend.”
- Because I love my children, I will teach them the value of hard work and humility by sharing chores and allowing failure to be a teacher.
- Because I love my children, I will demonstrate abundance by practicing gratitude daily and refusing to let fear dictate our lives.
- Because I love my children, I will embrace the beauty in our imperfections by taking ownership of my own story.
- Because I love my children, I will strive to be a better mother by respecting their individuality and parenting with love instead of shame.
I’m ready for the calm after the storm.
In summary, it’s time to recognize that effective parenting is rooted in love and understanding, not in shaming. By embracing our imperfections and fostering open communication, we can build stronger relationships with our children.
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Keyphrase: Regretting Parenting Communication
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