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Parenting
The Unforeseen Resentment
by Lisa Monroe
Updated: March 31, 2017
Originally Published: Jan. 2, 2015
Image: monkeybusinessimages / iStock
When I experienced my second miscarriage, I was taken aback by the intensity of my own hatred. I had never considered myself a hateful person; anger, jealousy, and spite were not emotions I typically felt. Yet, after losing that precious little life, my heart swelled with a dark rage that was both shocking and overwhelming. This hatred had a life of its own, manifesting in ferocious claws and eyes filled with fury, initially directed toward one particular group: pregnant women.
I found myself wishing ill upon them. I didn’t want their babies to thrive. I resented their happiness. Each time I saw a husband help his wife out of a car, or noticed their round bellies and glowing faces, my heart would burn with bitterness. I loathed their maxi dresses, their decaf coffees, and even their swollen feet. I wanted them to stumble and spill their drinks all over their oblivious partners. I craved companionship in my misery; I longed for someone else to share my pain, my sense of failure. I transformed into a version of myself that I barely recognized; the kind-hearted, optimistic person I once was felt buried under layers of despair.
Emerging from that darkness, I could only view the world through the lens of my own grief. Life continued around me—people smiled, went about their daily routines, and reveled in their joy, while my heart ached with loss. The mothers, both those expecting and those with children, seemed to radiate happiness, a stark contrast to my own suffering. They had created healthy lives without the struggle I faced, and it made my pain feel unbearable.
In social settings, I was a raw nerve, unable to mask my emotions. Alone, I could distract myself with books or films, but among others, I felt exposed. My feelings surged to the surface, and I was terrified of what might erupt from within. I had always prided myself on maintaining control over my emotions, and now I found myself in a battle against both external and internal forces. The voices in my head clashed, creating a cacophony that left me unsettled:
Hateful Voice: “I despise everyone who is happy. Why aren’t they as miserable as I am?”
Rational Voice: “There are countless people suffering far worse than you.”
Guilty Voice: “Others have lost children they knew and loved. You can always try again.”
Hateful Voice: “I don’t care! I am just so utterly miserable!”
For some time, the Hateful Voice dominated my thoughts. It took a while for the Rational and Guilty Voices to gain traction. I wish I could say they vanquished the darkness and led me back to my true self. But that wasn’t the case.
While I’ve emerged from that dark place—thanks in part to a healthy pregnancy that blessed me with beautiful children—I recognize that my journey wasn’t solely self-driven. I didn’t completely rely on friends or family for support; luck played a significant role. If I hadn’t experienced that successful pregnancy, I can’t help but wonder where I would be now. Although I managed to return to normalcy after my miscarriages, inside, I was still shattered and frustrated.
Now that I consider myself one of the fortunate ones, I want to reach out to those who are struggling. I genuinely understand your pain. It was devastating, and I empathize deeply with what you are experiencing. It’s okay to feel anger—allow yourself to process those emotions. Anyone telling you to find a silver lining is, frankly, out of touch. Life can be incredibly hard, and you will navigate through it because you possess a strength you may not yet recognize.
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Summary:
In this candid reflection, I explore the unexpected hatred that surfaced after my second miscarriage, revealing the tumultuous emotions I grappled with while navigating the world around me. Though I experienced profound resentment toward others, particularly pregnant women, I ultimately found healing through a subsequent healthy pregnancy. My journey underscores the importance of acknowledging pain and allowing oneself to feel, rather than forcing positivity.
Keyphrase: Miscarriage and Emotions
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