It’s not about the tea towel. “Why do I know which cloths to use for cleaning and which ones are for hands?” she questioned. “How did it become my responsibility to make all the household decisions—from where we keep the spare diapers to which juice boxes to buy for parties? Why do I feel like I’m the one calling the shots, only to have him mess it up, and then I get frustrated?”
The Roots of Gender Roles
Interestingly enough, two recent studies led by sociology professor Ellen Davis from Appalachian State University shed light on this dynamic. They reveal that the gender roles established by heterosexual couples during the dating phase often carry over into marriage.
In her research, Davis conducted interviews with 38 young, heterosexual women and 31 heterosexual men in San Francisco to explore their dating rituals, specifically focusing on who initiates dates, pursues partners, and pays. Despite nearly all participants identifying as progressive and feminist, most favored traditional dating norms: they expected men to initiate dates, foot the bill, and eventually propose.
What’s more surprising is that women often perpetuated these conventional expectations. They would wait for men to ask them out, and while they might offer to pay for the first date, if the man accepted, it was seen as a negative trait. Women would drop hints about wanting to get engaged but wouldn’t propose themselves. They feared that taking charge might make them appear desperate, suffering social backlash in the dating scene. Men, on their part, adhered to these gender roles, believing they were respecting women’s preferences.
Davis noted that many women clung to the stereotype that men are resistant to commitment while women are eager for it. However, many men expressed a willingness to marry, while women hesitated to commit too soon. This disconnect can be linked to traditional gender norms that dictate men should be the aggressors in courtship.
Many women would subtly indicate their interest, saying things like, “I’ll be at this party later; you should come,” thus maintaining a semblance of traditional femininity while still expressing their desires. They would often plan their own proposals by selecting rings or discussing marriage, but the narrative remained that the man was the one who surprised the woman with a proposal.
The Transition to Marriage
When these couples transitioned into marriage, they often fell into traditional roles regarding household responsibilities. Despite their professed aspirations for egalitarian partnerships, men frequently found ways to justify unequal divisions of labor. They might claim, “Cooking is her hobby,” or “My thing is sitting on the couch.” This division of labor was often framed as personal preference rather than a result of cultural conditioning.
Davis observed that these women often felt compelled to adjust to men’s supposedly innate desires, believing that showing assertiveness would make them less desirable partners. This belief led to a dynamic where women prioritized men’s needs over their own, waiting for men to meet them halfway.
In many cases, these entrenched gender roles were rationalized as personal choices rather than societal pressures. Women would say things like, “I just prefer to be asked out; I’m shy,” masking the underlying dynamics at play.
Conclusion
Both men and women end up perpetuating these conventional gender roles, but it’s the men who typically reap the benefits. By adhering to traditional courtship scripts, men enjoy greater agency in their relationships—whether it’s the freedom to watch baseball while someone else tidies up or simply not knowing where the cleaning supplies are kept.
In the long run, many women find themselves compromising their goals and creating narratives that conceal their agency. It’s a complex dance of desires and expectations that often leaves women feeling unfulfilled.
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Summary
This article discusses the persistence of traditional gender roles in relationships, particularly how women often find themselves managing household responsibilities despite their desires for equality. Research highlights how societal norms shape these dynamics, leading to frustration and unfulfilled expectations in both partners.
Keyphrase: Gender roles in relationships
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