Parenting Insights
“Make sure you stay connected to one essential person: yourself, who knows where to set the boundaries each day, with each individual.” — Martha Beck, Oprah.com
“Enough already, Martha.” — Me
Last year, I found myself in a whirlwind of obligations. I left my kids with a visitor while I hopped into a cab to deliver homemade meals to a new friend whose husband was seriously ill and who was juggling three young children. I had to take a cab because I’d lent my car to a friend who needed it to pick up his family from the airport. Additionally, I had taken the afternoon off work to entertain our guest, who was a relative of my husband’s. Meanwhile, my husband was caught up in his own job that day.
I recount this not to paint myself as a hero (though feel free to think that if you wish). My intention was to help. Reflecting on that chaotic afternoon, I see my stress-induced glow, my inadequate time management, an irritated guest, my career slipping down my priority list, and less-than-ideal food preparation (including chili spilling from a container and creating a mess on the cab floor).
Did I feel good about lending a hand to my friends and family? Absolutely. But did my attempt to tick off every box that day leave me drained, while filling others’ metaphorical buckets? Yes.
Days like that are not only stressful, but also rarely productive. When I overcommit, I often fail to complete tasks entirely. (Here’s a simple truth: What’s worse than a busy person? A busy person who flakes out.)
So, I decided to take a break from my habit of always saying yes. I tried to step back from every bake sale, resume-help request, and ride to the store. This was a tough shift for me. Isn’t saying yes what we’re supposed to do?
We all know those individuals who never lend a hand, whether it’s helping with a move or picking someone up after a medical procedure. I’m even related to a few. And, truth be told, I used to think they were quite inconsiderate. I didn’t want to be like them.
But I also couldn’t continue to overextend myself. I needed to ease my stress and the resentment that came from taking on too much.
How could I start saying no without feeling selfish?
First, I had to admit to myself that many of the things I’ve done “for others” were, on some level, about wanting to be liked or seen as “good.” My generosity was often a way to soothe my own guilt over my privileges. Doesn’t that make me a different kind of selfish?
I also realized that people who maintain “strong boundaries” often seem to have a genuinely happy life. They are aware of their limitations, which usually align with their priorities and interests. Maybe it wasn’t that they lacked empathy; perhaps they simply had a high level of self-awareness. To thine own boundary-set self be true.
Perhaps my perspective was too black and white. The ability to decline helping others doesn’t automatically indicate a lack of kindness. There’s a difference between feeling empathy and taking action. Sometimes, empathy alone must suffice.
So, I went cold turkey. Not the best strategy, I know. Soon after I began my journey toward healthier boundaries, a woman I scarcely knew received a call about the unexpected passing of a relative, right in front of me. Separated only by my laptop, I felt her pain, but I was also overwhelmed by the looming deadline of my work.
My instincts clashed with my resolve to set boundaries. I took her hand for a moment, asked a few questions, and then, as she took a steadying breath, I withdrew my hand and returned to my work. She was only feet away, visibly upset.
I’m not proud of that interaction. It was insensitive and cold. It’s one of those moments I wish I could rewind.
Maybe the answer lies in finding a balance. The notion that a community can achieve together what an individual cannot, and that the giver will ultimately benefit, is a beautiful concept. Think of traditional barn-raisings still practiced in some Amish communities. While not strictly necessary anymore—thanks to ride-share services and grocery delivery—such acts of community remain invaluable.
I was raised in a network of support, with family friends and neighbors helping my single mother. After my grandmother’s funeral, extended family came together to provide a warm meal. Even after my uncle’s passing, I was moved by the neighbors who brought over food, showing their care without needing to check off specific requests.
I hope to be there for others when they truly need it. I’ll learn to find that line (which, let’s be honest, probably lies just before your kid’s friend’s school’s origami fundraiser). Because when my own turn of hardship comes, I want to feel assured that kindness will return to me, perhaps in the form of a delicious kale salad with toasted pepitas on my doorstep.
Summary:
Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for personal well-being. While helping others can be fulfilling, overcommitting can lead to stress and resentment. Finding a balance between empathy and self-care is vital, allowing us to support others without losing ourselves in the process. Remember, kindness can take many forms, and sometimes, it’s okay to say no.
Keyphrase: healthy boundaries in relationships
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