Dear Judgy McKnow-It-All,
As your due date draws near, you’re wrapped up in concerns that ultimately won’t matter. If only you realized that what’s really important is to seize this moment and get some solid sleep before your life changes forever. Trust me, soon enough, you’ll find yourself awake at 3 AM, dealing with baby spit-up and too terrified to move, lest you disturb your little bundle of “sleeps only when held.”
Speaking of silly worries, you’re fretting about whether or not you’ll embarrass yourself during delivery. Let me give you a heads-up: when the time comes, you won’t care if poop ends up on the delivery room ceiling; all that will matter is getting that baby out faster than a teenage boy with the latest video game.
And that book on natural childbirth you’re flipping through? Yeah, ditch it. Instead, grab a copy of What the Heck Do I Do with This Baby? because when labor hits, you’ll be begging for an epidural before you even get to three centimeters. Remember, the delivery is just a single day, but parenting—now that’s a lifetime commitment. Spend your time learning about raising a child instead of practicing breathing techniques that won’t help much, though they might come in handy for that first post-baby bowel movement.
You have a lot of strong opinions about parenting now, but brace yourself; you’re about to realize just how clueless you are. Karma has a way of biting back, and for every judgment you pass on other parents, you’ll find yourself drowning in guilt. The friend you criticized for leaving her kids at daycare a little longer? In a few months, you’ll wish daycare was open on weekends just to catch a breath. And that woman you mocked in the grocery store? Well, get ready because you’re about to trade in your perky breasts for what can only be described as two deflated balloons.
So, indulge in that extra slice of cheesecake while you can. You think it’s just your belly growing, but spoiler alert: it’s heading straight to your backside. And don’t expect breastfeeding to be your ticket to a post-baby body. Instead, you’ll be the mom who drops her child off at preschool looking like you just rolled out of bed—mismatched clothes and remnants of breakfast still on your kid’s face. The notion of having a daily shower will soon seem as fantastical as monkeys serving you mojitos on a beach.
After your little one arrives, between the chaos of baby care, the reality of your partner’s quirks, and those postpartum hormones, you’ll feel overwhelmed. You might even find yourself downing birth control like candy to avoid a second child. But, one casual night over a box of cheap wine, you might get just a bit too relaxed and—surprise!—you’ll find yourself heading back down that road.
Here’s the kicker: amidst the stretch marks, the baby spit-up, and the postpartum blues, there’s an incredible love waiting for you—one you can’t even fathom right now.
So buckle up, embrace those mom jeans, and try not to laugh too hard at your bladder—this journey is only beginning. Let go of the judgment, and start supporting other moms. You’re going to need that community when the reality of parenting kicks in.
Love, Me