There’s a persistent narrative that parents are failing at their job. Articles, TV pundits, and even parenting shows often suggest that we are too lenient, which supposedly results in heightened stress levels. While I agree that there’s room for improvement, I don’t think the answer lies in stricter discipline or less empathy for “misbehaving” kids.
Honestly, if I had a dollar for every time I encountered an adult who was labeled “bad” as a child, I’d be a millionaire. Misbehavior doesn’t just vanish; it often resurfaces later in life through honest mistakes. I firmly believe that no child is inherently “bad,” nor do I think that most parents are failing. Instead, we’re all navigating a confusing blend of societal expectations, evolutionary instincts, and children just trying to figure out their world.
For the record, my approach to parenting is quite the opposite of what you might see on shows like Supernanny. I won’t backtrack on this; we have fundamentally different definitions of what discipline means.
This discussion isn’t merely about parenting styles or specific disciplinary tactics. It’s about fostering respect—not only between parents and children but also among parents themselves. “Don’t be a jerk” is my guiding principle, and I hope it becomes a guiding light for my children as I demonstrate respect in how I interact with them and others, including fellow parents.
It’s crucial to understand that respect does not equate to agreement. I can admire you even if I don’t share your views, and when I see you grappling with a screaming toddler in the supermarket, I won’t judge you for a second.
We’ve lost the sense of community due to judgment and pressure. Perhaps it’s time to reclaim that supportive atmosphere.
What is Discipline?
So, what is discipline, and why do we pursue it so relentlessly? When we think of discipline, we often picture a well-behaved child strolling through a grocery store, the antithesis of the kid having a meltdown over candy, right? But what does discipline truly mean?
Typically, discipline refers to obedience—the ability of a child to self-regulate and manage their emotions. However, not every child can do this, and certainly not all the time. Spoiler alert: we didn’t evolve to have perfect self-control either. We developed to rely heavily on our caregivers, synchronizing our breathing and heartbeats with theirs.
Moreover, children are naturally opinionated. They deserve more respect than they often receive, not in the sense of indulging them, but rather in recognizing their feelings.
This is a critical point. Parents who listen and don’t demand obedience as a default are often caricatured as overly permissive or “discipline-hating.” Yet there’s a significant difference between the traditional obedience-focused discipline and a respectful approach that prioritizes long-term emotional health over immediate compliance.
Our intense focus on controlling behavior often stems from a fear of public shame. While tantrums at home are stressful, they become exponentially more daunting in public spaces. Humans are wired to experience shame and depression as a way to navigate group conflicts rather than resorting to physical confrontations. It’s no wonder we react strongly to criticism.
We are judged harshly. Instead of understanding that children express strong emotions and need support in managing them, we hear, “Your kids are out of control! What kind of parent lets that happen?”
Well, I’m the kind of parent who sees a tantrum as an indication of an unmet need or emotional struggle. Children are not “bad”; they need assistance in expressing their feelings, and they should not be afraid to show their frustrations over not getting those twelve bags of marshmallows.
Let’s be real: I’m also upset I can’t have twelve bags of marshmallows! I just know how to control my impulses better.
If we want our kids to confide in us about serious matters as they grow older, we must first understand their concerns about seemingly trivial issues today. The blue sippy cup might seem trivial to us, but to them, it’s a big deal, and these patterns of emotion carry into adulthood.
Perspective truly matters.
There’s a clear distinction between acknowledgment and agreement. Just because I recognize your child’s desire for marshmallows doesn’t mean I should indulge them endlessly. Similarly, just because a teenager comes to discuss relationships doesn’t mean they should be given a free pass. Respectful parenting involves dialogue, disagreement, and compromise. It requires prioritizing communication and fostering love over judgment.
Love before judgment. That’s how we should treat one another in public when facing challenging parenting moments. Those harsh judgments didn’t arise on their own; they’re learned behaviors passed down through generations.
We can respect those we do not agree with. We can extend kindness to parents who approach things differently, just as we can model love and respect for our children, even when they disagree with us. It’s not necessary for one person to be wrong for another to be right within the family context. We can still offer the vital support we all need.
No, kids won’t always see eye to eye with us. They may express their discontent loudly in public and claim they hate us. But if they can voice their opinions about marshmallows now, they’re more likely to engage in meaningful discussions later about more significant issues. Encouraging them to express themselves without fear sets a strong foundation for respectful communication.
Goodness isn’t defined by actions; it’s inherent to every individual. Children are innately good; they just sometimes make questionable choices—just like adults do. The mom losing her cool in the grocery store might simply be having a rough day; that doesn’t make her a poor parent.
Nurturing empathy and respect through kindness and modeling behavior, rather than simply enforcing obedience, can resolve many parenting challenges more effectively than traditional discipline methods. Kids are capable of more than we often give them credit for, but harsh judgments from society can push us to respond to our children similarly. When the community adopts a more supportive approach to parenting, it creates a space for understanding, reducing the pressure for quick fixes.
Reclaiming our sense of community from judgment is vital. We all have the capacity to strive for something better.
This article was originally published on April 20, 2014.
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Summary
In this article, we explore an alternative to the typical authoritarian versus permissive parenting styles, advocating for a respectful approach that values communication and emotional acknowledgment. Children are not inherently “bad,” and understanding their emotions is crucial for fostering healthy relationships. By modeling kindness and respect, we can combat parental judgment and create a supportive community for all families.
Keyphrase: respectful parenting
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