Parenting can get pretty grimy. Sure, there’s the usual dirt, mud, and spaghetti sauce splattered on the walls. We also deal with messes scattered throughout the house, bathwater that splashes everywhere, and little faces adorned with marker. However, what I’m really talking about is the less glamorous, messy side of parenting—those experiences that are so unpleasant we often keep them to ourselves. Here’s my list of the ten messiest things I’ve encountered as a parent:
- Inspecting Poop: When you have a kid with a milk protein allergy, every diaper change turns into a full-blown investigation. Is that blood? Nope, just gum. Turns out it doesn’t take seven years to digest—only about 48 hours. Could that be blood? Maybe, but she did eat spaghetti last night. Oh, wait—looks like crayon wax to me.
- Digging Through Vomit: Once, I thought I spotted dark brown blood in my toddler’s vomit. In a desperate attempt to confirm, I sifted through the mess, practically nose-deep in it, searching for any sign of bright red. Thankfully, it was just chocolate from an old M&M.
- Calling Poison Control: More than once, I found myself on the phone with Poison Control. The first time was when one of my little ones decided to suck on an Air Wick scented oil air freshener. Her breath smelled like a tropical paradise for hours. Once I knew she was fine, I just rotated her toys around the house to keep the good smells going.
- Nose Picking: I once had to fish out an exceptionally long booger from someone else’s nose. Afterward, I frantically Googled to make sure it wasn’t a tapeworm. You’d be surprised how much mucus can accumulate in those tiny nostrils!
- Extracting Grape Skin: This one needs little elaboration—let’s just say I had to pull part of a grape skin from an unexpected place.
- Cleaning Crib Messes: I found myself cleaning up 80% of poop from a crib surface, with another 15% on tiny feet and toes, and 5% somehow in the mouth. I’m not sure if this is a universal parenting experience, but it certainly was for us—thankfully just the once.
- Smelling Throw-Up: When Poison Control needs to know why the vomit is blue, you have to be able to describe if it smells like toothpaste. Admitting I wasn’t watching my child while making that call didn’t help my parenting reputation. “Yes, I was distracted. No, I don’t want to taste it.”
- Using My Clothes as Tissues: Every time I forget the diaper bag, I end up using my clothes or pockets to deal with snot and boogers. It never fails! Even when no one is sick, a runny nose seems to appear out of nowhere, leaving me with limited options—my hand, my shirt, or my jeans. Thankfully, my jeans have pockets for discreet storage.
- Being a Potty Example: Let’s be honest—using the toilet isn’t a typical icebreaker for most people. However, toddlers are all about it. They cheer and clap like it’s a concert!
- Experiencing Projectile Vomiting: My toddler once managed to vomit right in my face with perfect accuracy. I was totally unprepared—how often does one get ready for something like that? I stood there in shock as my glasses fogged up. I had my lips closed, but we all know lips aren’t completely sealed.
As unpleasant as these experiences might be, they are just part of the journey. After all, an 18-month-old isn’t exactly equipped to handle the aftermath of a vomit incident. As a parent, I’ve become an expert in my children’s bodily functions—definitely not a skill listed on most resumes. But who knows? Maybe one day I’ll become a superstar in the world of investigations, especially when it comes to gum in poop or hidden grape skins.
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Summary
Parenting involves a lot of messy and often embarrassing moments, from inspecting poop to dealing with vomit. These experiences, while unpleasant, are essential parts of the journey that every parent must navigate. Through the chaos, we learn and adapt, sometimes even developing unexpected skills along the way.
Keyphrase: Messy Parenting Experiences
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