Unless you’re one of the lucky few who find themselves pregnant regularly, chances are you’ll be visiting the gynecologist for your annual exam. Let’s face it, this experience can be about as enjoyable as trying to convince your child to eat a plate of steamed broccoli. While I’m not a medical expert (unless you count my extensive knowledge of wine), I’m here to share the five most awkward moments of this necessary yet uncomfortable appointment. Spoiler alert: there are no “best parts,” just lady parts!
1. Breast Examination
You raise your arm above your head, and your doctor begins gently palpating your breast in small, circular motions while avoiding eye contact like it’s an Olympic sport. If you’re not pregnant and it’s not that time of the month, you might find yourself feeling oddly relaxed. But then guilt sets in as you realize this is serious medical work happening. To lighten the mood, you could joke about how the examiner should’ve taken you out to dinner first. This will likely prompt a chuckle, but also an awkward silence.
2. Weight Check
Next, you’ll be ushered to a scale that looks like it survived the disco era. Before you can remove your shoes or explain that your wet hair and bulky sweatshirt must account for some extra weight, it’s time for the public weigh-in. The number on the scale, which is often at least five pounds more than what you saw at home, seems to amuse the nurses, feeding your suspicion that they gossip about patients over their lunch breaks.
3. The Strip ‘N Wait
You’re instructed to shed all clothing in favor of a hilariously flimsy pink “robe.” Though you’re about to share a very personal moment with the doctor, you’re still expected to conceal your underwear and awkwardly settle onto a crinkly paper-covered table. Despite the sterile, brightly lit room showcasing various contraceptive devices, you might find yourself waiting an eternity for the doctor’s arrival, all while your bare backside is the first thing she sees upon opening the door from a bustling hallway.
4. Pelvic Exam
Prepare yourself for the unique experience of having your reproductive organs examined both externally and internally at the same time! As you place your feet in the stirrups, you’ll quickly realize that eye contact is non-existent when your medical professional has a gloved finger inside you while pressing down on your abdomen to locate your uterus and ovaries. You might feel the urge to crack a gynecology joke, but rest assured, she’s heard them all.
5. Pap Smear
For a procedure that sounds like it could be a tasty spread, the Pap smear is anything but pleasant. You lie on your back on a flimsy sheet of crinkly paper, feeling the sweat trickle down your back. Your practitioner asks you to scoot down the table, which only intensifies the awkwardness as you inch closer to a stranger’s face. A muffled voice announces they’re about to “touch you down there,” followed by the chilling entry of the speculum, which is surprisingly cold even in a warm room. As it opens, your dignity takes a hit, and a tear may roll down your cheek as the exam concludes with a long Q-tip swabbing away what little remains of your comfort.
Your annual gynecological exam could be humorously described as “fun,” if you consider soul-crushingly dehumanizing to be a form of entertainment. Now that you’ve been reminded of the delightful realities of this necessary appointment, have you scheduled yours yet? If you’re looking for additional information on fertility, check out this post on boosting fertility supplements. For those considering home insemination, this kit is an excellent resource. You can also visit Resolve for more information on family building options.