Updated: Aug. 3, 2016
Originally Published: July 11, 2012
So, you’re on the exciting journey to becoming a gay parent? Congratulations! You’ve likely navigated a unique path to reach this milestone—whether through adoption, IVF, artificial insemination, surrogacy, or fostering. Now, it’s time to prepare for a beautiful adventure ahead.
But don’t worry, this isn’t going to be just another generic guide advising you to purchase diapers or brush up on your CPR skills. Most LGBTQ+ parents are pretty proactive about those things, having spent years planning for their families. I, for one, couldn’t wait to enroll in parenting classes!
This guide is tailored specifically for you, the expectant LGBTQ+ parent, because there are crucial aspects of parenting that may not be covered in typical baby classes. You’ll have unique experiences due to your family structure, and I’m here to share some insights on how to navigate them.
1. Your Children Will Need Perspective
Regardless of where you live, your children may feel a bit different growing up, as they’ll notice that many families consist of a mother and father. The best approach is to embrace and celebrate your uniqueness from the very beginning. Talk openly about what makes your family special in a positive light. There are fantastic children’s books about LGBTQ+ families—my favorites include “The Family Book” by Todd Parr. When we reach the page that states, “Some families have two moms or two dads,” I ask my kids, “Who has two dads?” and they cheer, “Me!!!”
When they meet new friends, they might feel like those friends are missing out on something special by not having a family like ours. Sure, my kids are still young (3 1/2 years old), so we haven’t faced many tough questions yet, but I’m ready to frame our unique family structure as a wonderful aspect of who we are.
2. Prepare to Out Yourself Constantly
Unless you’re rocking a rainbow t-shirt every day (and that’s awesome if you are!), you may find yourself blending into the straight world. As a childless adult, that’s not a big deal. But once you have kids, people will assume you’re straight, especially since a baby seems to broadcast, “I had intercourse with someone of the opposite sex!”
Countless times, I’ve had strangers (often well-meaning women) comment, “Your wife must be so lucky!” while I’m out with my kids, or they’ll say, “Looks like Mom’s taking a break today!” even when I’m out with my partner, who is clearly male. My natural instinct is sometimes to just nod along, but then I think about my kids. They need to understand that our family is special and unique. What message would I send if I just went along with these assumptions?
So, I speak up. “There’s no mom; there are two dads in our family,” or “I don’t have a wife; I have a partner—who’s a man.” Sure, I brace myself for any awkward reactions, but thankfully, I haven’t faced any extreme negativity. Most people respond with an embarrassed apology for making an assumption, and that’s okay; I just smile because they’ll likely be more mindful in the future.
3. You’re Now an Advocate for Non-Traditional Families
As a childless LGBTQ+ individual, it can be easy to stay within a supportive bubble, surrounded by like-minded people. But once you have children, you’ll be stepping outside that comfort zone regularly. Your kids will attend schools and play sports with kids from more traditional family backgrounds, and you’ll meet folks who might not fully embrace your family structure.
Don’t panic! This isn’t about politics; it’s about your family and creating a better world for your children. Expect to gently push back against outdated assumptions. For example, when I filled out preschool applications, I encountered spaces for “Mother’s Name” and “Father’s Name.” Instead of complaining, I simply crossed out “Mother” and wrote “Father #2.” The next year, those forms had been updated to include two lines labeled “Parent Name.” Small victories matter!
4. People Will Generally Be Kind
Before becoming a parent, I feared facing hostility from anti-LGBTQ+ groups. I worried about being rejected by preschools or shunned by other parents. But, honestly, I’ve mostly encountered kindness. While there’s some underlying homophobia out there, I’ve mostly faced polite discomfort rather than outright hostility.
Many people are genuinely curious and supportive, often eager to share stories about other LGBTQ+ parents they know. I had a nurse once who expressed excitement about meeting gay dads while caring for my son in the hospital!
5. Be Proud and Authentic
Assume the best of others, and chances are, you’ll receive it in return. Now, go ahead and dive into those parenting books to learn about feeding, diapering, swaddling, bathing, and all the other joys of parenthood. Whether gay or straight, being a parent is one of the most rewarding yet challenging experiences you’ll ever undertake.
You have a lot to learn, but remember, you’re not alone on this journey. If you’re considering options like artificial insemination, you can check out this helpful resource on home insemination kits to get started. Additionally, boost your fertility knowledge with these supplements, an authority on the topic. For more information on intrauterine insemination, here’s an excellent resource.
Summary
Becoming a gay parent involves unique challenges and experiences. From providing your children with perspective about their family structure to navigating societal assumptions, it’s crucial to be proud and vocal about who you are. Embrace your journey with confidence and advocate for your family, knowing that kindness and support often await you in unexpected places.
Keyphrase: Gay parenting tips
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