My little one, Celeste Aurora, affectionately known as “Ziggy,” passed away quietly while still in the womb. One moment, her heart was beating strong during our 10-week ultrasound, and the next, she was just… gone. When we returned for our check-up around 14 weeks, the devastating reality hit us like a freight train, leaving me breathless and shattered.
The agony of losing Ziggy was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It blindsided me, knocking me down and stealing my breath away. I spent a week in a haze of relentless pain, curled up in a fetal position, unable to sleep. Each night was filled with torment—physical pain from the cramping, emotional pain from the loss. I was left grappling with questions: Why did this happen? Was it my fault? Did I fail to shield her from the stresses of my life? My self-doubt deepened, and I felt like a wounded soul.
In that dark time, my first child, Leo, became my anchor. He would snuggle up against me, providing the comfort I desperately needed. His small presence reminded me that I had created something beautiful, something alive.
When the time came for Ziggy to leave my body, I tenderly gathered her tiny remains and placed them in a hand-carved wooden box I had cherished for years. I surrounded her with heartfelt letters, apologies, and prayers, creating a sacred space for her. In the soft light of a foggy Bay Area dawn, I buried her beneath a tree, enveloped by nature, believing that she would return to the earth.
I may have broken some laws in doing so, but I needed her to rest in a place of beauty. I whispered my goodbyes to Ziggy, the child whose brief existence paved the way for my daughter Moxie.
Standing by her resting place, I prayed for the chance to meet my child in another life while feeling overwhelming gratitude for Moxie. I can’t help but think that Ziggy’s short visit in my life somehow prepared me to embrace Moxie, even after receiving her prenatal Down syndrome diagnosis. I yearn for the day I can ask Ziggy about it all.
This article was originally published on April 8, 2012.
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In summary, the journey of loss is profound and can lead to unexpected paths of acceptance and gratitude. The experience of saying goodbye to Ziggy has shaped my understanding of motherhood and the love that can arise from sorrow.
Keyphrase: loss and love in pregnancy
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