Ah, the six-week postpartum checkup. You know what that signals? Time to jump back into the world of intimacy. Oh, I mean, reconnect with my loving partner. Not that I don’t enjoy it, but let’s be honest—I’m totally wiped out from breastfeeding, battling hormones, and feeling just a tad sore. Plus, I have a baby who’s essentially become my personal bodyguard when it comes to my husband. Trust me, he’s doing a stellar job at cockblocking.
So anyway, here’s how my six-week visit went down:
Doctor: What birth control are you using?
Me: Our baby.
Doctor: (blank stare)
Me: Seriously, he’s always between us, making it impossible for us to get frisky.
Doctor: What about when the baby’s not around?
Me: (blank stare)
Doctor: Have you considered what you might want to use when he sleeps in his crib?
Me: Isn’t there some kind of magic pill that can make me temporarily not pregnant?
Doctor: Yes, that’s called the pill.
Me: Nah, I’m not down for that. I need something I can take once and forget about it.
Doctor: Unfortunately, that’s not a thing. How about a vasectomy?
I suspect she suggested it because she thinks I’m done breeding.
Me: I don’t know; that feels so final. My husband might be 100% done, but I’m only 98% sure. I mean, I’m 40, but did you catch the news about that lady who had a baby at 62? So I’m keeping my options open.
So we chatted about some options, and here’s my take on why a baby is my best birth control method over anything else out there:
- The IUD: Suddenly, all my mom friends are raving about IUDs. At first, I thought, “Hey, that sounds convenient,” until I heard them complaining about the little strings. Wait, what? Yeah, apparently, those strings hang out of your cervix, and you’re supposed to check on them regularly. I can’t even deal with a stubborn thread dangling from my clothes, let alone something from my cervix. Thank goodness I’m not flexible enough for that!
- Condoms: Seriously, they feel like they cost an arm and a leg. I remember when they were practically free in college (unless you went to some abstinence-pushing institution). Paying for them feels like I’m literally putting a price on sex, which is funny because these days, I’d need some convincing to get in the mood. And then there’s the awkwardness of putting it on. By the time you figure out it’s upside down, the mood is totally killed.
- Female Condoms: Anyone ever used one? I looked it up, and it claims to be 95% effective, which means, based on my messed-up math, there’s still a decent chance of getting pregnant. Plus, I’d have to admit to using a female condom, and that’s just not happening. I could call it a Fem-Con to sound cooler, but that’s just awkward.
- Diaphragms: These seem like a relic from the ’50s. Honestly, I can’t imagine carrying one around in my purse. Can you imagine it falling out at the store? Awkward silence for days!
- Cervical Cap: I had to look this up, and it’s described as a silicone cup shaped like a sailor’s hat. No thank you! The last thing I want is to have a sailor’s hat in my lady parts.
- The Sponge: Just typing that makes me feel gross. Why is my birth control named after a cleaning product? Plus, it’s only 80% effective. That’s basically like playing Russian roulette down there, and the stakes are a screaming baby instead of death.
In conclusion, it seems my baby is the best form of birth control for me right now. But if you’re looking for alternatives, check out resources like Women’s Health for more information on pregnancy and home insemination. And if you’re also considering family planning, you might want to explore this fertility booster for men for some additional insights. Additionally, here’s a comprehensive at-home insemination kit that could be helpful.
Summary: The quest for effective birth control can be overwhelming, especially for new parents. While traditional methods like IUDs and condoms come with their own set of challenges, some might find that unconventional choices—like relying on an adorable baby as a natural barrier—are the best bet for now.
Keyphrase: pregnancy prevention methods
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]