Updated: Oct. 2, 2023
Originally Published: Oct. 28, 2008
Not long after tying the knot, my partner, Jake, and I decided that one of us would take on the role of primary caregiver for our children during their early years. For a variety of reasons, I stepped into that role, juggling everything from diapers to dance classes, laundry to grocery runs. Meanwhile, Jake took on the financial responsibilities, ensuring our bills were paid while I navigated the chaotic world of parenting. Our choice to adopt this traditional family structure is deeply personal and, I fully acknowledge, a privilege not everyone has.
While our approach has its pros and cons, it has largely worked for us, albeit not without challenges. There were days when I felt buried under a mountain of baby wipes, tantrums, and sleepless nights. My aspirations for a legal career lay dormant as I tackled the daily grind of parenting. On the other hand, Jake wrestled with the stress of being the sole provider, especially during tough economic times, often sacrificing sleep to ensure our family’s needs were met.
The idea of balance—whatever that elusive state might be—seemed like a distant dream.
Now that our kids are in school, I’ve found bits of balance creeping back into our lives. I’ve taken a part-time job from home and occasionally manage to meet friends, though I still handle the bulk of grocery shopping and laundry duties. Jake, while still putting in long hours, has more flexibility in his schedule. He organizes outings with the boys when I’m out with friends or working, and he can even sneak in a baseball game now and then. My part-time job is helping ease some of his financial burden, albeit slightly.
Yet, even with these improvements, life still feels out of balance. Each day seems weighted in one direction or another, reminding us of the precariousness of our situation. The societal expectation that we should be able to achieve perfect balance only adds to our stress. As a friend recently put it, “My life is just a series of lists with items left unchecked.”
At times, it can feel overwhelming and chaotic. We convince ourselves that what we need is more balance—a better work-life equilibrium.
But here’s the truth: balance is a myth. It’s an ideal, a concept that can drive us to madness. It would indeed be wonderful if we could achieve the perfect harmony, but often, that simply isn’t feasible. Balance represents an unattainable standard, and as I’ve come to realize, perfection is just an illusion.
I can’t help but wonder if our relentless pursuit of balance is just another way of convincing ourselves that we should be able to do and be everything. This idea of balance often masks a deeper desire: the need to have it all.
What we often forget in our chase for that illusive equilibrium is that life is inherently seasonal. It unfolds in phases, with moments of growth and times of retreat. While we’re building careers and families, friendships may shift from convenient to vital. There are decades marked by growth, periods of settling down, and stretches where we learn to let go.
Life consists of seasons filled with both joy and struggle, work and rest. Some periods may feel balanced, with work and personal life in sync, while others are dominated by chaos. Sure, there are days when everything feels just right, when we manage to juggle all our responsibilities seamlessly, but those instances are fleeting. Most days consist of the noise of children, overflowing calendars, and the occasional magical moment of connection.
Ultimately, achieving balance requires a long-term perspective. It’s not something you can micromanage or force. Yet, everywhere we look, we’re bombarded with messages about achieving balance—being perfect parents, ambitious professionals, and attentive friends all at once.
This pressure to find balance often leads to feelings of inadequacy, as we add yet another item to our list of perceived failures. Life can be unpredictable and chaotic, especially with young children to care for. But amidst the challenges, there are also beautiful and enriching moments. We must learn to ride the waves of life, accepting the ebb and flow, knowing that balance might be hiding beneath the surface.
If all else fails, just remember: balance is a myth.
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