In recent therapy sessions for anxiety, I’ve been confronted with some challenging questions about my values. My therapist pointed out that many of my beliefs stem from “not” statements. For instance, when asked about my career aspirations, I replied, “To not get fired.” When discussing spirituality, I said, “To not face eternal damnation.” And when it came to my role as a parent and spouse, my response was simply, “To not be like my father.”
My relationship with my father was far from ideal. He abandoned my mother when I was just nine years old, having already been married twice before. His life ended tragically due to substance abuse shortly after divorcing his fourth wife. I often found myself using my earnings from working in a pizzeria to bail him out of jail, and it felt as though he treated family like a series of franchises.
The divorce of my parents was bitter, leading to a tumultuous childhood where I was shuttled between homes and forced to choose sides. I want to spare my children from the experience of new step-parents and siblings every few years. I refuse to allow them to feel the burden of raising money for my mistakes.
My therapist explained that a reliance on “not” statements indicates underlying anxiety, suggesting a need to shift my focus toward positive aspirations. This is particularly challenging for someone who grew up in a fractured family. Many who share this background understand that a parent’s departure can serve as a powerful motivator. I dedicated much of my twenties and thirties to ensuring I wouldn’t repeat my father’s mistakes.
For example, while he turned to alcohol, I chose sobriety. He didn’t pursue higher education, yet I did. He walked out on multiple marriages, so I made a commitment to my own and emphasized the importance of perseverance through challenges. Divorce was always his answer; I’ve resolved to work diligently through difficulties to strengthen my marriage.
This introspection led me to ponder whether avoiding my father’s path equates to being a good father—or even a great one. For anyone raised in a broken home, this is a crucial question. It can be daunting to aspire to be better than parents who perhaps lacked commitment, as it sets the bar quite low.
Reflecting on my values has urged me to look forward instead of dwelling on the past. Every parent eventually reaches a juncture where they must shift from focusing on what they don’t want to becoming the parent they aspire to be. This is the essence of breaking the cycle of dysfunction.
I’ve identified several core values I want to embody as a father. Primarily, I want my children to feel unequivocal love from me. I want to provide them with a sense of security and an understanding of what a good father truly is. I hope they witness the love I have for their mother through my actions. In a healthy marriage, love must be demonstrated; I want them to see me taking her out on dates, surprising her with flowers, and engaging in compromise. I want them to observe my frustrations, my ability to calm down, and my determination to try again. I want them to see the practicality of love through my daily work and hear me express gratitude in prayers for their well-being.
It wasn’t until my thirties that I began to focus on who I wanted to be as a father rather than who I didn’t want to emulate. I genuinely believe that teaching my children to pursue their desires rather than fear what they want to avoid is a significant gift.
Ultimately, while I cannot enforce that my children become exemplary parents or devoted partners, I can provide them with a powerful model of good parenting. By illustrating what a good father looks like, I aim to offer them far more than my own father ever did.
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In summary, my aim is to provide an exemplary model of fatherhood for my children. By focusing on love, commitment, and practical expressions of care, I hope to break the cycle of dysfunction and impart valuable lessons about relationships and self-worth.
Keyphrase: Understanding Good Parenting
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