Updated: March 30, 2021
Originally Published: June 28, 2016
My partner and I are committed to raising well-behaved children. We actively teach our kids the values of kindness, responsibility, and community service. While it’s a continual journey, our three children—aged 15, 11, and 7—have so far avoided significant trouble, displaying respect and generally being pleasant company.
However, I find myself questioning how we’ve achieved this, especially since I’ve read extensively on the importance of consistent discipline and consequences, and I often feel inadequate in that area.
On one hand, I excel at teaching. We’ve instilled character traits—what we refer to as “virtues”—in our kids from a young age. We regularly discuss behavioral challenges using this framework, teaching them appropriate behaviors for various social situations. Our communication is open and honest, fostering their trust to voice their concerns. In this proactive aspect of discipline, I feel quite competent.
Yet, the reactive side of discipline, especially when it comes to enforcing consequences for misbehavior, is where I struggle. I tend to be inconsistent and forgetful. I might issue a consequence for a particular behavior but fail to follow through. I create chore systems and schedules for earning privileges, but they often fall apart after just a couple of days, as I tend to abandon them for the sake of convenience.
I tell my children I won’t repeat myself, but then I find myself saying things multiple times before I lose my patience. I struggle to set a good example, criticizing my kids for their messy rooms while my own space is cluttered with books, papers, and laundry. My rules about screen time are frequently overlooked, either because I lose track of time or become distracted. Although I don’t make them eat meals they dislike and allow some negotiation over snacks, I worry that I might not be strict enough.
I hear about parents who adopt a tough-love approach, like my friend, Sara, who stripped her son’s room of all belongings until he earned them back through good behavior. I admire her resolve but know that such methods simply aren’t my style. I’m more of a laid-back Type B parent, and I believe such drastic measures would frighten my children rather than teach them valuable lessons.
Despite my more relaxed approach to discipline, our kids have not shown any severe behavioral issues. They’ve gone through typical developmental phases, but we’ve navigated those challenges as part of growing up. More commonly, our difficulties stem from issues like anxiety, irritability, and shyness—problems that shouldn’t be punished.
Still, my inconsistency bothers me. I don’t fear it will lead to behavioral issues, but I worry that my children might inherit my struggles with discipline. One day, they will have children with different personalities, and if they haven’t developed the ability to enforce rules, it could pose challenges for them. I also consider how this might affect other areas of their lives. Just because my approach has worked for us doesn’t guarantee it will work for them.
Ultimately, we all navigate parenting as we go along. Perhaps one day our kids will present us with challenges that necessitate a firmer approach, or maybe they simply won’t have that in their nature, just as I lack the inclination to impose strict discipline.
I hope that my strengths in the proactive aspects of discipline compensate for my weaknesses in the reactive side. Like our kids, I am also a work in progress. I trust that they will see my efforts, understand my humanity, and recognize that there are many ways to raise good children—even if strict discipline isn’t my forte.
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Summary
This article discusses the challenges and inconsistencies in disciplining children while emphasizing the importance of proactive teaching over reactive discipline. The author reflects on their parenting style, highlighting the balance between nurturing character traits and implementing consequences, ultimately acknowledging that both parents and children are works in progress.
Keyphrase: Disciplining Your Children
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