Recently, we embarked on a road trip to northern Minnesota, a journey that totals 32 hours in the car with three children under five. To say it was chaotic would be a gross understatement. At one point, the noise level in our vehicle reached an intensity that led my spouse and I to have the following exchange:
Me: Sometimes I wish I knew how to execute that sleeper hold. You know, the one where you squeeze the neck?
Him: Why? So you can use it on yourself and leave me alone with the kids?
Me: I was actually thinking of using it on the kids, but your idea is better.
I often wonder how parents managed during the Exodus. Surely there were children, but I can’t fathom how they navigated through the parted waters quickly, as toddlers move at a pace comparable to that of rocks. It seems improbable that anyone could cross the Red Sea in less than six months with a toddler, especially with all the necessary stops to examine every seashell along the way. A toddler’s attention span is as fleeting as the tempo of “The Flight of the Bumblebee.”
If there had been additional guidelines revealed alongside the Ten Commandments, it would likely have included these key precepts for traveling with toddlers:
- Thou shalt inquire if we have arrived at our destination approximately 40 million times within the first 30 seconds of departure.
- Thou shalt not desire thy sibling’s toy until the vehicle is traveling at 75 miles per hour, surrounded by large trucks carrying flammable materials.
- Thou shalt request a beverage five minutes after saying no to Mommy when she offers. Once Mommy settles back into her seat and the seatbelt clicks, the drink request must be made.
- Thou shalt rouse the sleeping infant with loud noises moments after the baby has drifted off. Thus begins a cacophony of chaos.
- Thou shalt speak at a volume exceeding that of a jet engine.
- Thou shalt resist the urge to sleep.
- Thou shalt continue kicking the seat in front of you.
- Thou shalt inform Mommy and Daddy of an urgent need to use the restroom 45 seconds prior to actually needing to go.
- Thou shalt exclusively consume food from McDonald’s.
- Thou shalt persist in all these commandments until your parents seriously consider jumping from the moving vehicle.
Of course, I’m exaggerating for effect. Traveling with toddlers does become less challenging each year. Just kidding—I’m clearly not being truthful. So far, I’ve gleaned three insights from our road trips: 1) It’s an inexpensive form of marriage therapy, 2) toddlers show little interest in your meticulously planned car activities, and 3) the phrase “Are we there yet?” can drive you to the brink of insanity.
Each road trip with our toddlers is akin to leading a large group from one destination to another. In our case, we’re often more bewildered than the biblical figure Moses, and our journeys sound a lot like the buzzing of “The Flight of the Bumblebee.”
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In summary, traveling with toddlers can be a tumultuous experience filled with challenges, but with humor and patience, it can also create lasting memories.
Keyphrase: Toddler travel tips
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