I vividly recall the moment I first heard my daughter’s cries in the hospital. The high-pitched, delicate sound was a stark contrast to the cries of my son and caught me off guard. From that moment, I knew my experience as a mother would be distinctly different. When I held her for the first time, she looked like a beautiful porcelain doll, fragile and perfect, and I was instantly filled with a sense of apprehension regarding my role in shaping her future.
From the very beginning, I treated her differently than my son. While he was allowed to co-sleep with us for an extended time, I resolved to do things “better” with my daughter. I would rock her to sleep but always returned her to the crib. We never shared those peaceful nights cuddled together, breathing and dreaming as one. I rationalized this choice by recalling the struggles we faced getting my son to sleep independently, but there were deeper fears at play.
My relationship with my own mother was fraught with conflict; we disagreed on nearly everything and often clashed. I felt resentment towards her choices and how she favored my siblings. She was more of a distant figure in my life—someone I never confided in or sought advice from. I chose not to have her present during my childbirth experiences. As a result, I lack a reference point for a healthy mother-daughter bond.
Perhaps this contributes to my anxiety.
I have always been adventurous and independent, often engaging in reckless behavior during my youth. I was the friend who climbed out of windows and used a fake ID to sneak into bars. I even ran away from home more than once. Now, at just three years old, my daughter shows similar traits—fearlessness, intensity, and stubbornness. This resemblance fills me with concern that she could also make the same reckless choices I once did.
Maybe this is part of my fear.
During my teenage years, I broke my father’s heart. We were close; we confided in each other during challenging family situations. But then I rebelled, lying to him repeatedly and disregarding his guidance, which I can only imagine was devastating for him.
This too may play a role in my apprehension.
When my daughter is upset, her temper erupts fiercely. In moments of anger, she can only scream and cry, and no amount of comforting seems to soothe her. For months, between her second and third birthdays, she screamed every night at bedtime. At one point, we even joked about needing an exorcism when she began stripping off her clothes during tantrums. While I laugh about the potential challenges of her teenage years, there is a genuine fear behind my humor.
Perhaps this is why I worry.
My daughter observes me closely, mimicking my actions—from how I apply lip gloss to wanting to wear matching outfits. The pressure of being her role model weighs heavily on me, as I fear making a mistake that could lead her astray.
This might explain my anxiety.
As I reflect on the past three years, I sometimes wonder if it’s too late to build a meaningful connection. I love her fiercely, matching her wild spirit, and long for the mother-daughter relationship I never had. I dream of sharing moments like discussing her first crush or being present when she gives birth to her own children.
My fears stem from deep-seated insecurities, leading me to believe I lack the necessary skills to be a good mother. I worry that any closeness we cultivate will be fleeting and that, ultimately, she may break my heart.
However, I realize that I cannot foster a strong relationship with my daughter by withdrawing or succumbing to fear. Time is fleeting, and there is too much at stake. I must embrace the challenge and dive into loving her wholeheartedly. The only way to combat my fears is to love her boldly and trust that we can build a lasting bond. She needs me as her one and only mother.
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In summary, the journey of motherhood can be filled with fear and uncertainty, particularly when it comes to raising daughters. It’s essential to confront these fears head-on and embrace the love and connection that can develop over time.
Keyphrase: Raising a Daughter
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