Updated: June 3, 2021
Originally Published: Jan. 12, 2016
When my eldest son reached 18 months, he suddenly became selective about his food choices. He protested during meals, constantly pointing towards the pantry for crackers and bread, while rejecting fruits and vegetables entirely. His diet consisted solely of meat, cheese, and bread, making me feel like I was raising a miniature Viking—one more tankard of ale away from scurvy. In a moment of desperation, I began hiding vegetables in scrambled eggs and smoothies and running after him with spoonfuls of peas. Dinnertime became a wild rodeo, where I felt like I was trying to corral a calf that just wouldn’t cooperate.
I confided my struggles to a friend whose 6-year-old daughter was also a picky eater. She recounted an evening where she prepared three different meals at her daughter’s request—noodles, edamame, and a bagel—none of which were consumed. Hearing her recount this only amplified my anxiety about future mealtimes with my son.
Then, I discovered Ellyn Satter’s revolutionary book, Child of Mine: Feeding With Care and Good Sense, published in 2000, which transformed my approach to family meals. Satter, a registered dietitian nutritionist and family therapist, advocates for a “division of responsibility” in feeding: parents decide when, what, and where to serve food, while children choose whether and how much to eat. This method ensures there’s always something familiar on the table, like rice or bread, paired with new dishes. Importantly, there’s no pressure to “just taste” or to finish a certain number of bites. Dessert is not linked to how much is consumed at dinner, and family meals allow children to observe their parents enjoying a variety of foods.
This strategy has significantly reduced the stress around dinnertime. I simply present a meal, and my son can help himself without my interference. He knows there won’t be alternative options for dinner, and after two years, he understands that asking for something different is pointless.
Now approaching age 5, my son remains more inclined towards meat and bread than fruits and vegetables, but the absence of pressure has encouraged him to try new greens more often than I ever anticipated. He enjoys dishes such as lentil stew, zucchini soup, and roasted broccoli—though he still turns his nose up at lasagna, which I find baffling. Some nights, we serve “kid food” like chicken nuggets or pizza, and at other times, I might indulge in my favorite Pad Thai, as Satter suggests it’s healthy for kids to occasionally enjoy their parents’ preferred meals.
Crucially, dessert is not contingent upon how much he eats. We tend to enjoy our treats in the afternoon, and when we do have dessert at dinner, I follow Satter’s guidance to allow him to eat it alongside the meal, which usually results in him enjoying both.
So, what are the six transformative words? “You don’t have to eat it.” This new perspective hasn’t eliminated my son’s expressions of dislike—just the other day, he looked at his plate and complained, “I wanted a good dinner.” In moments like these, I feel the urge to react dramatically, but I calmly remind him, “You don’t have to eat it,” before attending to my own meal.
This approach has allowed me to stop pressuring him to eat altogether. I can enjoy my food without worrying about what he consumes, and I no longer keep a mental checklist of “acceptable foods.” This method has also eliminated the short-order cook scenario, as I prepare whatever we’re having for dinner. If my son opts out of a dish, that’s his choice—yet there are always side options like garlic bread, salad, or apple slices. He may eventually try the dish after multiple exposures, but in the meantime, I can savor my meal without the struggle.
While it’s not a flawless system—some meals may not be very appealing, and family dinners don’t happen every night—it has effectively minimized the conflict over food. This method prevents us from using food as a reward or punishment, which can lead to unhealthy eating habits later on. He won’t have to choke down bok choy to earn dessert, nor will we compel him to ignore his hunger signals.
The phrase “You don’t have to eat it,” spoken lightly, has dramatically changed our dining experience. I’ve applied it with our younger son, a toddler, with similar success. There are times he refuses to eat, and while I feel tempted to sneak in a few bites while he’s distracted by a show, I remind myself that he truly doesn’t have to eat it. These six words have the potential to end picky eating for good.
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Summary:
This article discusses an effective approach to alleviate the challenges of picky eating in children, emphasizing the importance of a balanced and stress-free mealtime environment. By implementing the principle of “You don’t have to eat it,” parents can foster a healthier relationship with food for their children while reducing the power struggle surrounding mealtime choices.
Keyphrase: Picky Eating Solutions
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