This morning, I woke up far too early, feeling that familiar tightness in my chest. Despite the tranquility of the day ahead, something felt off. The nagging sensation in my mind prevented me from drifting back to sleep, even though I had the option.
In theory, I could return to sleep easily—after all, my 8-year-old wasn’t going to sneak into my room and steal the blankets, nor was his older sister going to plead with me to lift my ban on morning electronics. While I often find these behaviors mildly annoying—especially before I’ve had my coffee—today, I was acutely aware of their absence, and even more so, the absence of my children, who had been spending the last few nights at their father’s house.
I genuinely miss my kids. Yet, paradoxically, I feel a sense of happiness about that.
When my partner and I decided to separate, we had no disputes over custody arrangements; we had long agreed on a 50-50 split for childcare before our children were born. In fact, during the chaotic early days of parenting, we joked about incorporating an ‘escape clause’ into our agreement: “If one of us leaves, that person must take the kids.”
Once we made the decision to part ways, our agreement went into effect smoothly. We both cherished our time with the kids but also recognized the necessity of breaks from parenthood: moments to recharge, pursue careers, socialize, tidy up, travel, or even explore dating. We craved those cherished mornings together and family dinners, but we also longed for the freedom to enjoy a simple cheese and crackers dinner while watching TV.
Deep down, I harbored fears—not about missing my children when they were away, but rather resenting their return. I worried I would relish my alone time too much and grow accustomed to the absence of chaos, possibly even enjoying my newfound freedom excessively. I feared that the stress from the breakdown of my marriage might have damaged my ability to parent effectively. I questioned whether I was a selfish mother, lacking the affection to want my children around half the time, let alone all the time. I worried that I would not miss them when they were gone.
However, I shouldn’t have been so hard on myself. The process of separation—regardless of how amicable it may be—is not the best time for self-assessment regarding long-term feelings. The months leading up to and following our decision were some of the most stressful of my life. My partner and I tried to co-parent while managing our shared space, navigating the transition of living apart.
Eventually, my partner found a new home, and we divided our belongings. The day his moving truck left with half of our shared possessions, I felt a strange mix of relief and anxiety—as if I could finally breathe after months of tension. Our children began moving between the new and old homes, and during their time away, I immersed myself in a flurry of organizing and redecorating my new space. When they returned, I felt calmer, more present, and able to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
When they left, I missed them—not in an overwhelming, painful way but with a subtle ache during drop-offs or when I put away their toys. Each time I noticed their absence, I felt a sense of relief. I realized I wasn’t a monster of a mother, more focused on my agenda than my children’s well-being. Instead, I am a woman emerging from a challenging year, a devoted parent committed to nurturing a stable half-time home for my children. Although I miss them when they’re not around, I take comfort in knowing they will always return.
In my time alone, I keep busy—sometimes enjoying dinners of cheese and crackers with a glass of wine while watching TV. I work, socialize, exercise, and even contemplate dating. While I embrace these moments, I still miss my children, and I find happiness in that. For more insights on family dynamics and parenting, consider checking out resources like Healthline for comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination. If you’re interested in boosting fertility supplements, don’t forget to visit Make a Mom for expert advice. Additionally, for those considering home insemination, the At-Home Insemination Kit can provide valuable support in your journey.
Summary
This narrative explores the complexities of parenting post-separation, highlighting the bittersweet experience of missing children while also appreciating the newfound freedom. The author navigates emotional struggles and ultimately finds joy in both their independence and their bond with their children.
Keyphrase: I miss my children
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