Potty training in our household has not been what you might call a resounding triumph. While there is no shortage of frustration, it primarily emanates from our 2-year-old’s petite frame, who operates with a distinct set of demands that must be met before she will even consider sitting on the potty. After careful observation and analysis, we have compiled a list of 20 essential conditions that must be fulfilled for my toddler to successfully use the potty:
- The planetary alignment must be favorable, with Mercury in retrograde and Jupiter ascending, all while a particularly ominous moon phase is underway.
- The bathroom environment must exude the aroma of a spring meadow, achieved through the use of freshly harvested organic herbs, artistically tied with a delicate periwinkle ribbon, rather than artificial fragrances.
- The lighting intensity should not surpass 120 watts.
- The bathroom temperature must be maintained between 72.5 and 72.7 degrees Fahrenheit. Showers are strictly prohibited to avoid temperature fluctuations.
- Somewhere within a 1,000-mile radius, a virgin sheep must be in the process of being sheared.
- Care must be taken to maintain a calm demeanor, avoiding eye contact while making minor requests such as “please don’t urinate on my arm” or “Whoa! Don’t touch that. It’s a pube.”
- One must accurately predict whether she will opt for the training potty or the full-sized toilet; this is a 50/50 chance, and no clues will be offered beforehand. Choosing incorrectly will lead to an immediate refusal to use the potty and a guaranteed bowel movement in the next 17 seconds.
- No commercial aircraft, seagulls, or crows are permitted to fly overhead. However, pigeons and pre-World War II planes are acceptable.
- It is essential that no one in the vicinity is wearing socks.
- A minimum of four stuffed animals and one alert cat must remain present and quiet during the entire process.
- Potty usage is only possible on the first Tuesday, second Monday, third Saturday, or fourth Friday of any month with a name ending in “Y.” Other days are categorically off-limits unless it is raining, in which case only Thursdays are acceptable.
- A deer and an antelope must be playing together in a range that also hosts a roaming buffalo.
- The local library must be closed.
- Organic bananas must be discounted at Whole Foods.
- One-third of the doors in the house should be ajar.
- The kitchen rug must be slightly misaligned, positioned counter-clockwise.
- The phone must remain silent for a full 15 minutes before and after any potty attempts. Any form of texting, social media browsing, or weather checks is strictly forbidden.
- A parent must urgently require the restroom at the same time.
- A relative must simultaneously discover an unwanted chin hair.
- A double rainbow should be arching gracefully over a group of albino dolphins that are escorting an orphaned beluga whale to its new family.
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In summary, successfully training my 2-year-old to use the potty requires an intricate balance of environmental factors, timing, and the alignment of the universe. Navigating these criteria can be a challenge, but understanding them is crucial for any parent on a similar journey.
Keyphrase: potty training conditions for toddlers
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