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It’s Not a Flawless Union, It’s a Partnership That Functions
by Andrea Lawson
Updated: March 9, 2021
Originally Published: September 19, 2015
Recently, during a conversation with my friend Sarah about our children and spouses, she expressed a desire for her marriage to be as flawless as mine. I was genuinely surprised because, while my marriage has its strengths, it is far from perfect! If she had seen my husband and I in our early days as a married couple, her perspective would likely change drastically.
In our first year together, the baggage from past relationships and my unrealistic ideals of what a husband should be led us both to question whether we had made the right decision to marry. Growing up, I observed my mother anxiously awaiting my stepfather’s return home. As dinnertime approached, and he was still absent, I could sense the tension rising. My mother would pace and frantically direct us kids to complete chores, knowing that once he arrived, chaos would erupt, leaving us to deal with the aftermath.
This dysfunctional cycle persisted for over two decades. My mother claimed she endured it for our sake, but if you asked my siblings and me, we would have preferred nearly anything else over the constant fighting that filled our home. Experiencing my parents’ tumultuous marriage instilled deep-rooted trust issues within me. Yet, I craved the connection that I believed could only come from being in a relationship. Thus began my hunt for a Prince Charming who could restore my faith in happy endings.
After years of navigating through unsuitable partners, I finally found my prince, and we got engaged. I was ecstatic. I meticulously planned a dream garden wedding with a carefully curated playlist. The day unfolded beautifully, fulfilling my vision of a fairy tale. However, I was unprepared for the hard work and compromises that married life demanded. Disagreements sparked immediately.
Why do you always take all the blankets? Why is the thermostat set so low? Why am I always the one cooking? He is your son too, you know! It felt like our arguments were more frequent than our reconciliations, and I was not ready for the challenging reality of marriage. While I could plan a stunning wedding, this real-life partnership was daunting. The concept of compromise was foreign to me, and my expectations were unmet, leading to growing resentment.
There were moments when I found it difficult to even look at my husband. His eating habits irritated me, and I would dread his snoring at night, thinking of ways to silence it. I felt anger towards him for not providing the fairytale ending I had envisioned. We were both discontented and lacked the communication skills to express our feelings effectively.
Fear crept in as I worried about my husband becoming like my stepfather. I doubted his commitment to our vows and questioned whether I was capable of handling the pressures of marriage and parenthood. Instead of confronting these fears, I chose to distance myself, not wanting to risk being abandoned first.
I nearly allowed my fears and unrealistic expectations to sabotage my marriage. I sought my husband to heal my childhood wounds, entering the relationship with unresolved issues. When things didn’t unfold as I imagined, I wrongfully placed the blame on him.
This was not the romance I had read about in novels! Our struggles inevitably began to impact our young son. When he expressed his concern about our marriage ending in divorce, I realized I was perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction that I had experienced as a child. I didn’t want him to grow up with a skewed perception of relationships.
This realization served as a crucial wake-up call. I was determined to ensure my son witnessed a healthy partnership, allowing him to develop realistic expectations of marriage.
As my husband and I approach our sixth wedding anniversary, it is evident that our marriage is still a work in progress. I continue to grapple with insecurities about being a good wife, and yes, we still bicker, and his snoring can be unbearable. Yet, despite our imperfections, we love each other fully. We’ve discovered a rhythm that suits us rather than striving for an unattainable ideal. What matters most is our mutual commitment to each other’s happiness.
So, while we may not have the perfect marriage, we have a partnership that works for us.
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Summary:
The article discusses the realities of marriage, emphasizing that it is not about achieving perfection but about fostering a functional partnership. The author reflects on personal experiences, challenges faced in the first year of marriage, and the importance of communication and compromise. They stress the need to break generational cycles of dysfunction for the sake of their children and highlight that love and commitment can prevail despite imperfections.
Keyphrase: functional marriage
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