On a typical Saturday afternoon, I found myself in a rather compromising position: fast asleep while my partner, Sarah, walked in on me. The clock read 2 p.m., and I had promised to tackle the laundry.
“What’s going on here?” she exclaimed. “Why do you get to nap?”
“I’m not napping,” I replied, my voice muffled by the pillow. “I just happened to fall over and realized how comfy the bed was.”
My attempt at humor fell flat.
“I need a nap,” she insisted.
“Then take one,” I suggested, though I knew my face was still buried in the pillow.
“We don’t have time for that,” she countered, emphasizing “we” with some frustration. “We have to get to Ben’s soccer game in 20 minutes, and then we need to pick up soil for the backyard before the nursery closes.”
With that, she stormed out, and guilt washed over me. Sarah and I are parents to three young children, all under the age of 9, and getting them to sleep for more than five hours feels like trying to perform a miracle.
The night is a circus: one child will wake up thirsty at 10 p.m., while another will have a nightmare by midnight. And then there’s Lily, our 1-year-old, who seems to believe that sleep is for the weak. She stays awake late, wakes up multiple times, and has decided that waking up at dawn is the new norm.
My caffeine consumption has skyrocketed.
Our days are equally chaotic. I work full-time, and Sarah is a full-time mom and part-time student. The house is a constant project, with repairs and cleaning always on the agenda. The older kids are involved in sports, scouts, and a plethora of other activities that fill our weekends. With this whirlwind of responsibilities, naps are a rare luxury.
Sleep has become a point of contention and envy between us, akin to a black-market commodity traded for favors ranging from household chores to intimacy. The irony is that when asked what she wants for her birthday, Sarah responds with “sleep”—and I can’t help but agree.
Though we could abandon our responsibilities for a good rest, the reality is that parenting is relentless. Kids are in a constant state of need, making it nearly impossible to simply let go and catch up on sleep. Furthermore, our eldest is old enough to look after himself, but I wouldn’t trust him with his younger siblings, especially the baby.
Naps can only occur when one parent takes charge of the kids, allowing the other to sleep. This often creates a sense of inequity, as the parent managing the children feels frustrated while the other enjoys a peaceful nap.
However, a solution was offered the weekend before Sarah discovered my nap. While I was working in the garden, she approached me, recounting a rough night with Lily and proposing a trade: “If you let me take a nap, we can have intimacy later.”
We haggled for a bit, ultimately deciding that intimacy would happen after the kids were in bed that night. With a handshake, Sarah retreated inside, and I felt completely fine about her resting. It seems that in our household, unless there is an agreement, napping becomes a contentious issue.
When Sarah found me resting without prior negotiation, she understandably felt upset. If the roles were reversed, I would have felt the same way. We’ve established a sort of “sleep-for-favors” expectation, where one partner resting without prior arrangement feels like a theft.
I walked into the kitchen to find her washing dishes. “I’m sorry. What do you need?” I asked.
“Do you really need to ask?” she replied, pushing her glasses up her nose. “I want to take a nap. I need sleep.”
“It’s been a long week,” I said, trying to justify my actions. “I’ve worked those two 14-hour shifts, plus my normal days.”
“When you work 14 hours,” she pointed out, “I’m working too. I don’t get a break until you come home.”
This revelation struck me. Parenting is a shared responsibility, and while I adore my children, the demands can feel overwhelming. With Sarah home full-time, when I’m working, she’s also in the trenches. We lack nearby family support, so unless we arrange for a sitter, our responsibilities continue without pause.
“Okay,” I conceded. “Let’s come to an agreement.”
Almost instantaneously, we began to negotiate. We decided that Sarah could take a nap while I took the kids to the soccer game. Afterward, I could rest while she took them to the store. None of these options were ideal, as taking three children to a soccer game felt daunting, and I assumed she felt similarly about the store run. Yet the thought of a nap made it worthwhile.
By the end of our negotiation, we shook hands, and Sarah remarked, “It’s been nice doing business with you.”
“Likewise,” I replied.
In the realm of parenting, sleep is indeed a precious currency that requires negotiation and understanding.
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In summary, sleep is a vital yet often elusive aspect of married life, particularly for parents. The demands of raising children can lead to negotiations over rest, highlighting the importance of communication and understanding between partners.
Keyphrase: Sleep in Marriage
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