Parenting Performance (n.): The act of parents presenting an idealized version of their interactions with their children, especially in the presence of other parents or, even more daunting, their own parents.
Phase 1: Culinary Performance
At home, Ava might wail at the mere sight of broccoli, while Liam could treat seafood as if it were a toxic substance. Although these culinary preferences can be quite challenging, they are simply part of parenting Ava and Liam. However, during dinner at a friend’s house featuring grilled salmon and asparagus, it’s time to showcase your parenting skills. Here are a few possible approaches:
- Bold Fabrication: Claim that Liam has a seafood allergy! Assert that Ava adores all vegetables except for asparagus! (“Apologies! Do you have any penne?”)
- Parental Manipulation: Take Liam and Ava aside and reassure them that they have nothing to fear as long as they keep quiet. When dinner is served, you sneak them portions of salmon and asparagus, while you conveniently help yourself to a second serving of garlic bread.
- Traditional Approach: Confront Liam and Ava in front of all the guests, demanding they take at least one bite of everything to be polite. This could trigger a standoff that makes everyone uncomfortable, prompting the host to suggest ordering a cheese pizza, which probably should have been the plan from the start.
Phase 2: Playground Performance
This stage mainly involves feigning tolerance towards disruptive behavior from others’ children. (“It’s fine, kids will be kids. I’m sure your child didn’t mean to crash into mine with a toy truck!”) Alternatively, you might find yourself apologizing profusely if your child is the one causing chaos, even while secretly believing that the other child had a part in it. (“Oh dear, I’m so sorry, that’s not like her at all. She never shoves sand in others’ faces. What could possibly be wrong?”) Other examples include theatrically removing your child from the swing after a brief turn, even as other parents allow their kids to swing indefinitely, or pretending to search for your child in the park while actually having no clue where they are.
Phase 3: Digital Device Performance
When another family joins you for dinner, your children might be engrossed in their devices. You shout for them to turn them off, and the sounds of iPad cases snapping shut fill the air as guests arrive. “We enforce a 20-minute screen time limit daily,” you say pompously, engaging in a conversation about the importance of limiting screen exposure with your fellow parents, all while discreetly stashing away your own phone. The children then dive into their usual antics—Nerf battles, impromptu soccer matches, wrestling, and complaints about boredom. Following dinner—when the noise level reaches an intensity that could distract a professional athlete—someone suggests watching a movie, reminding you why you invited them over in the first place. Finally, peace returns with screens providing the quiet you sought.
Phase 4: “Are You Addressing Me?” Performance
For younger children, this performance often occurs during a meltdown, such as when your child throws a tantrum after being pulled away from another child’s toy. As they scream threats and attempt to strike you, you respond with a mixture of authoritative commands and sympathetic remarks, culminating in a firm “That’s ENOUGH!” as you strap them into the stroller to exit the scene expeditiously. With older kids, this phase emerges when your 10-year-old uses inappropriate language in public, prompting you to chastise them in a hushed voice, despite having just uttered a more colorful phrase yourself moments ago.
Phase 5: Grandparent Performance
This phase transpires when your children engage in any of the previously mentioned behaviors in the presence of your parents. You might find yourself overreacting, perhaps even locking your kids in a room for failing to address the delivery person politely. This prompts a moment of reflection about your own childhood mishaps, such as falling out of the family car without a seatbelt. At this juncture, you’re ready to confront your parents about their outdated parenting judgments, all while your kids snack on junk food and indulge in video games at the playground, perhaps using language that would make past generations gasp. Don’t judge me, 1970s parents. At least my kids ride in car seats!
In summary, parenting often involves a series of performances that vary depending on the audience and environment. Each stage presents its own challenges, from meal preferences to managing behavior in public settings. For those exploring family planning options, resources such as the at-home insemination kit offer guidance on the journey to parenthood.
Keyphrase: Parenting performance stages
Tags: home insemination kit, home insemination syringe, self insemination