In my childhood, family-friendly films almost universally carried a G rating. G stood for “great,” “golly,” or “grandma-approved.” PG indicated a mild expletive and the occasional glimpse of an actress’s midriff. Conversely, an R rating meant an actor might have uttered a word beginning with “F,” and a leading lady donned a sheer top.
Fast forward to today, and G ratings are nearly extinct. Moreover, PG ratings provide scant information regarding a movie’s suitability for children. It’s high time we developed a new rating system that serves parental needs more effectively. Here are some proposed ratings that may prove more beneficial than the existing options.
ML—Mother Lives
How often does a Disney film feature a parent meeting an untimely demise within the first 15 minutes? Maternity figures frequently meet tragic fates. The ML rating assures parents that the mother (or, in a pinch, the father) will survive until the credits roll. This way, you can avoid sleepless nights spent reassuring a child with questions like, “Are you going to die soon? When are you going to die? Will I see your skeleton?”
ST—Spinal Tap
Sound levels in this movie reach an 11. Bring earplugs or noise-canceling headphones for a more enjoyable experience.
EM—Explicit Merchandising
This film is accompanied by a plethora of merchandise: an app, an Xbox game, a junior novelization, a character lunchbox, a t-shirt, a Halloween costume, and even themed bedding. If you recently outfitted your child’s room with “Frozen” décor, you might want to wait for this new film to arrive on Redbox, giving you a brief respite from renewed spending.
VS—Viral Song
The soundtrack may produce the next earworm akin to “Let It Go” or, even worse, “Under the Sea.” You might find the tunes from “The Little Mermaid” charming, but try singing “The seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake” to a parent who endured that in 1990. The reaction may not be pretty.
BBT—Bird and Bees Talk
If your child still believes that babies come from storks or that a magical being caused Mommy’s belly to grow, the content in this film could prompt unexpected inquiries. Fair warning: If your child rides a public school bus, they’ve probably already received an informal Sex Ed lesson from their peers.
O-12—Obnoxious 12-Year-Old
At least one character in this movie is likely a descendant of Bart Simpson or Eric Cartman. If they have a catchphrase (think Nelson Muntz’s “Ha ha!”), expect your child to repeat it incessantly. Any silly stunts depicted—like jumping off a roof into a pool—are likely to be imitated. Prepare for an influx of fart jokes during your drive home.
CP—Creepy Puppets
Nothing unsettles a child’s imagination quite like a sinister puppet. My son was genuinely terrified by the E.T. puppet in Spielberg’s classic, particularly during the scene where E.T. lies motionless by the creek. Talking dolls, walking clowns, and the entire Thunderbirds franchise inspire a primal fear of “things that move but shouldn’t.”
NTON—Not Tatum O’Neal
The 2005 remake of “Bad News Bears” is a far cry from the classic. While Jaden Smith delivers a commendable performance, nothing can compare to Ralph Macchio in the original “Karate Kid.” Likewise, while Lindsay Lohan did well in the updated “Freaky Friday,” every child deserves the chance to swoon over Jodie Foster’s tomboy character from the 1970s.
Remember: Many beloved children’s films from our past would now carry a PG-13 rating, so it’s wise to revisit your favorites. Did you remember the line in “Bad News Bears” where Tanner exclaims, “Take your apology and your trophy and shove ’em straight up your ass!”? Consider adding a TW—Tanner Warning—to the list.
This overview provides a fresh perspective on children’s movie ratings, offering parents clarity in an era of ambiguous guidelines. For those navigating similar journeys, consider exploring our post on making informed decisions about home insemination with helpful resources like this one which offers comprehensive insights on the topic. Additionally, this site provides excellent information on donor insemination.
Summary
The proposed Mom-PAA ratings serve as a more informative guide for parents seeking suitable content for their children. By addressing common concerns and providing clear categories, these ratings aim to alleviate the confusion surrounding traditional movie classifications.
Keyphrase: New Mom-PAA Ratings
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