In the early stages of my relationship with my partner, I understood that I would likely take on the role of the primary provider. Despite my dislike for the term “breadwinner”—a label I find outdated—I accepted the responsibility of earning a steady income to cover our household expenses. I found myself in a job that I largely despised, working to transform my time and effort into financial security for our family.
On a particularly bright Spring morning, I felt a wave of envy as I realized my partner, Sam, had the freedom to stay home, pursue his interests, and watch mindless television. At that time, Sam was navigating a transitional phase after his teaching position in Pennsylvania ended. He had moved to New York City and was exploring new opportunities while considering starting a small carpentry business.
During one of our many discussions in the front seat of his double-parked truck—an arrangement necessitated by New York City’s strict parking regulations—I asked him, “Would you ever accept a job you disliked just for the benefits?” His firm “No” ignited a mix of frustration and disappointment in me, which seemed to prompt an emotional response in him.
That morning, while bleak, offered clarity. I realized that I couldn’t wait for him to find any job that would allow me to quit mine for a phase of “figuring things out.” Soon after, what began as a favor for a friend—building a bookcase—turned into a profitable venture for Sam, marking the beginning of his new career.
Fast forward ten years, and while Sam’s income is decent, it isn’t sufficient to support a family of three in New York City. Consequently, every career decision I make revolves around salary and benefits. It’s worth noting that I haven’t encountered anyone who has successfully transitioned to freelancing with a family while relying on options like Obamacare for good coverage. Most of the time, I manage to stay optimistic about our situation; Sam’s self-employment allows for some flexibility with school and childcare. However, I often find myself grappling with frustration, particularly during the quarterly corporate layoffs in my workplace.
I can’t help but ponder why some of my friends with partners in lucrative fields, like banking or law, even choose to work if financial necessity isn’t a factor. Of course, I understand that many derive satisfaction and identity from their careers, but that sentiment often pales in comparison to the simple pleasure of watching an old episode of Law & Order at an unorthodox hour.
Simultaneously, I reflect on whether this sense of entrapment was common among men in the past when women weren’t part of the workforce. Did my father feel similarly constrained by the responsibilities of providing for our family? Eventually, my mother did enter the workforce, primarily to save up for her own interests.
Now, I juggle my job responsibilities with ensuring our daughter attends school events, keeps up with dental check-ups, and arrives at birthday parties with perfectly wrapped gifts. In all fairness, while Sam plays his part, I still handle most of these logistics.
I find solace in connecting with other women facing similar challenges. No matter where I work, there’s typically a group of us sharing stories and dreams of a life with a partner who could offer financial stability and comprehensive benefits. Often, discussions turn to pursuing further education or starting small side businesses, like crafting or baking. My ideal situation would be working alongside Sam in his workshop, learning a tangible skill and engaging in fulfilling work that doesn’t wear me down.
This article first appeared on March 17, 2015.
For those considering or navigating the world of home insemination, resources like this article about the at-home insemination kit and Cryobaby’s offerings provide essential insights. Additionally, March of Dimes is an excellent resource for anyone exploring fertility treatments and family planning.
In summary, balancing the roles of caregiver and provider can be overwhelming, particularly in a city that demands financial acumen and stability. As we navigate these responsibilities, it’s essential to build a support network and consider alternative career paths that can provide both fulfillment and financial security.
Keyphrase: primary provider in family
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