Updated: June 26, 2017
Originally Published: Jan. 11, 2015
After ensuring my children are fed, bathed, and tucked into bed, I manage to put on some makeup—albeit with a few smudges from lack of practice. I’ve donned my finest attire, free from the usual stains of chaos. As my partner heads out the door, I provide the babysitter with my final directives. However, there exists a considerable gap between my spoken words and their actual implications. For instance:
What I Say: “Feel free to help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”
What I Mean: You’re welcome to indulge in all the fresh veggies you can manage, as my children will certainly not touch them. The pasta is also up for grabs; I stockpile it since it’s the sole food my daughter will consume. Avoid the graham crackers, though—I’m uncertain how long they’ve been there. My son enjoyed them for two days before declaring them “yucky,” and his stance hasn’t changed. And that stash of chocolate behind the cans of corn and green beans? Just know I’m fully aware of its quantity, and it would be wise not to even glance at it.
What I Say: “Feel free to invite a friend over.”
What I Mean: Of course, you can have a buddy over—especially if they happen to run a cleaning service. Are they acquainted with any cleaning fairies? Perhaps they enjoy scrubbing dried yogurt off the walls? Friends who lift furniture while you vacuum would also be useful. There’s also a potential bonus if you can identify the source of that mysterious odor emanating from the toy box.
What I Say: “She should be asleep the entire time you’re here.”
What I Mean: The word “should” carries significant weight here. In theory, my two-year-old daughter ought to sleep soundly while dreaming of unicorns. However, it’s more likely that every ten minutes, you’ll hear a gentle knock at her door, followed by her chirpy announcement, “Me awake! Me play!” Ideally, I would like you to return her to slumber, but I must apologize in advance for the likely dozen times you’ll endure her declarations of, “I’m not sleepy!”
What I Say: “You can watch whatever you’d like on Netflix.”
What I Mean: Go ahead and pick something, but please don’t judge me for my “Recently Watched” section. My days involve helping characters like Dora find lost items and Bob construct various things. After the kids finally doze off, I crave something decidedly less child-friendly. If you notice a trend toward more violent shows, rest assured it’s merely my form of TV therapy after a day filled with colorful chaos.
What I Say: “We shouldn’t be out too late.”
What I Mean: We haven’t had a night out alone in ages, and we plan to maximize our time! After dinner and a movie, we may even find ourselves lounging on the hood of our car in a parking lot if we can prolong our escape. We might even have an overnight bag in the trunk, just in case the thrill of freedom leads us to stay out longer. By the way, do you offer weekly rates?
What I Say: “Call me if you have any questions.”
What I Mean: The only question I expect is how to reattach my son’s arm if there’s an accident. As long as he’s breathing and there’s no bloodshed, I don’t need to be contacted. Please refrain from asking if he can have ice cream or how to handle my daughter’s incessant water requests—you’re the babysitter, after all. Enjoy your time; Mama’s out tonight!
For more insights on enhancing your journey to parenthood, check out our posts on fertility supplements and home insemination options at Make a Mom and CryoBaby. For comprehensive information on donor insemination, visit American Pregnancy.
Summary:
This article humorously explores the often unspoken truths behind common babysitter instructions, revealing the contrast between what parents say and what they truly imply. With relatable examples, it highlights the realities of parenting while providing helpful links for those interested in fertility and home insemination resources.
Keyphrase: babysitter instructions
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]