My daughter, Lily, is currently in seventh grade at a small private school, where she has known many of her classmates since kindergarten. While there isn’t a significant amount of overt bullying, the dynamics among the girls often involve subtle teasing and undermining behavior.
At the start of this school year, I began to hear Lily share some troubling remarks circulating in her class, particularly among the girls. These comments frequently include phrases like:
- “Why are you wearing those leggings?”
- “What did you do to your hair? Just, no.”
- “What is that smell? Don’t you use deodorant? Gross.”
Delivered in a mocking tone and within earshot of others, these remarks occur in various settings – during class, in the hallways, or even during lunch. It pains me to see Lily, who has sometimes been on the receiving end of these careless jabs, regard some of the speakers as her friends. This raises a critical question: do our daughters truly understand the essence of friendship?
I reminisce about the days when Lily was younger and I supervised her playdates. Back then, if disagreements arose over toys, I facilitated turn-taking. When unkind words were exchanged, we discussed feelings and how to express ourselves more kindly. There were no screens involved; after a couple of hours filled with laughter and snacks, the children would part with hugs. It was simple.
Now, however, Lily and her friends no longer engage in playdates; they simply “hang out.” They often request rides to local cafes and retreat to her room to share secrets and laughter. Their lives are intertwined through platforms like Instagram and Snapchat, often communicated via texts filled with emojis and acronyms. As a parent, I find myself more of an observer, with limited opportunities to guide her through these complex interpersonal dynamics.
Middle school is a time of significant transformation for girls, marked by new challenges: physical changes, social pressures, academic demands, and the omnipresent influence of technology. It’s a lot for them to navigate. At home, Lily receives plenty of love and support, yet I recognize that she increasingly looks to her peers for guidance as she forges her identity. The lack of kindness I hear about in her classroom makes me realize it’s time for us to re-engage in their social lives, even if it feels uncomfortable for both of us.
The first step in addressing this situation involves teaching our daughters not only to avoid bullying but also to actively advocate for kindness when witnessing unkindness. It is essential to instruct them on uplifting one another daily. A genuine friend will provide encouragement rather than succumb to jealousy. She will affirm you instead of belittling you and will privately address any concerns rather than publicly shaming you. True friends listen empathetically and inspire each other through healthy competition. They accept differences and celebrate each other’s uniqueness. In essence, we must instill the value of compassion over judgment in our daughters. They deserve nothing less.
This behavior may be typical for their age, but that does not make it acceptable. While I recognize that Lily may have unintentionally said hurtful things to others, I want her to know that it’s crucial to refrain from being unkind. If silence is the only option, then she should choose to say nothing at all. The goal is for her to learn the qualities of a good friend, to identify true friendship in others, and to distance herself from those who undermine her confidence.
Girls should not feel compelled to tear each other down; there are countless external pressures to do that. I want to empower Lily and her peers to become each other’s greatest supporters, to appreciate the beauty of friendship, and to prioritize compassion.
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In summary, encouraging our daughters to foster friendships based on kindness, support, and respect is essential for their emotional well-being. It is our responsibility to guide them in recognizing the depth and significance of true friendship, empowering them to create meaningful connections.
Keyphrase: teaching daughters about friendship
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