In recent times, I have found myself confronting the lingering impacts of my childhood trauma, now as a mother raising a daughter.
“Mom, can I wear some make-up?” she asks. I assure her that she is beautiful just as she is, but I find myself saying, “Sure, sweetie, what’s the harm?” Internally, I wrestle with conflicting notions of beauty, sexuality, and safety, and how these will shape her experiences. A part of me wants to say no; I want to shield her from anything that might sexualize her. The fear of her attracting unwanted attention from predators looms large in my mind, even though I know these individuals often lurk in familiar environments rather than on the streets.
Reflecting on my childhood, I recall becoming an object of unwanted attention at a young age. I recognize now that it wasn’t about my appearance, but rather the vulnerability that allowed someone with an unhealthy obsession to exploit me. It’s not about how a child looks, but about her level of susceptibility.
Does every woman feel a pang of unease when a man compliments her daughter? It brings me back to being that frightened ten-year-old girl, anxious about whether this man might replicate the actions of others who were deemed “good.” But this isn’t about me anymore; it’s about my daughter and my overwhelming desire to protect her from harm.
I could be mistaken. Perhaps the man at the barbecue who praised my daughter has no ill intentions. Still, when that unsettling feeling arises in his presence, I take heed. It doesn’t happen every time we’re around men, but when it does, I listen to my instincts. Whether it’s her best friend’s father, a local pastor, or even a family member, I will always ensure she is never in a position to be groomed.
I must teach my daughter to recognize and trust her instincts. We refer to it as the “uh-oh” feeling, a concept I learned from a school social worker during my internship. I can relate to that feeling, as I once kept secrets for years due to it. I want my daughter to embrace that feeling without fear, to pay attention to it, and to respond accordingly.
The most challenging aspect arises when my irrational fears manifest during innocent moments, such as when my husband helps her shower or plays with her in a game of tickling. I remind myself that, despite what statistics may suggest, I will not perpetuate the cycle of abuse, whether as a victim or an aggressor. I must rise above the fears that these innocent activities provoke.
In my search for narratives about motherhood as a survivor of childhood abuse, I realized how often survivors remain silent. Shame plays a significant role in this silence, but discussing the resurfacing effects of our past traumas when we become parents is essential for our ability to raise healthy daughters.
“Mom, if a boy kisses you, does that mean he loves you?” she asks. I’ve come to understand that the phrase “everything happens for a reason” resonates with me now. The damage done by telling our daughters that a kiss equates to love is profound. Love encompasses far more than physical contact. We must teach them that a boy kisses only if she wants him to, and if not, she has every right to defend herself.
As a mother to both a daughter and a son, I acknowledge the universal desire to protect our children, regardless of gender. While this narrative focuses on my experiences with my daughter, I am equally concerned for my son and the many male survivors confronting their own stories.
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In summary, parenting as a survivor requires navigating complex emotions and fears, all while ensuring our daughters grow up empowered and aware of their own instincts. Engaging in open conversations about love, consent, and personal safety is paramount to fostering their resilience.
Keyphrase: Raising a Daughter as a Survivor
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