As a mother of three, my experience with baby showers has been nonexistent. My eldest child was born in 1992, followed by the adoption of my two sons from China in 2012 and 2013 at ages two and three, respectively. That creates quite an age gap between my twenty-two-year-old and my two preschoolers. Life can certainly feel chaotic and loud. (For those who feel inclined to point out the age difference or comment on the challenges of parenting young children alongside a young adult, trust me, I’m aware.)
When I was pregnant with my daughter, unforeseen medical complications in the later stages curtailed any celebrations. While I received gifts and cards, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss over not experiencing the quintessential “diaper cake” made from diapers and baby washcloths. It’s a bittersweet sentiment; I secretly envy those who can create such masterpieces effortlessly. My experience lacked the “ooohs” and “aaahs” that typically accompany gift unwrapping, the celebratory sherbet punch, and the playful games like the diaper pin “don’t say the B word” challenge (where “B” stands for baby, not the other B word).
Upon bringing our sons home, the usual fanfare was notably absent. The number of gifts and cards we received could be counted on one hand—across both adoptions. This wasn’t due to a lack of friends or affection; it stemmed from a perception that older child adoption is somehow less worthy of celebration.
When a woman is expecting, society often rallies around her, offering support and goodwill. We inquire about her well-being, often sharing anecdotes—sometimes even horror stories—about pregnancy. Generally, the atmosphere is one of positivity, with compliments about her glow and excitement for the new arrival. Once the baby arrives, the family is greeted with flowers, balloons, and a plethora of gifts, along with home-cooked meals to ease the transition into parenthood.
However, adoption is often viewed through a different lens. The anticipation of an adoptive mother, even if she isn’t physically carrying a child, is filled with the same hopes and anxieties. She may not have swollen ankles, but she is navigating a whirlwind of emotions: excitement, fear, and a profound sense of responsibility as she prepares to welcome a new family member.
Shortly after our first son joined our family, I was asked to organize meals for a new mom in the community. This was particularly disheartening for me, as we had not received any meals when we brought our son home just a week prior. The adjustment period was challenging, compounded by the stress of caring for a jet-lagged toddler while trying to find our footing as a family.
A month after our second adoption, I attended a lavish baby shower for several of my colleagues. My son was already three at that time, and while I understand that each situation is unique, I felt a pang of exclusion. Despite my efforts to put on a brave face, I found myself stepping out of the event in tears. My coworkers were shocked and apologetic; they hadn’t intended to overlook my experience as a new mom, but it highlighted a lack of recognition for adoptive families.
The emotional toll of these experiences is significant. It’s not merely about the gifts or the cake (though I am quite fond of cake); it’s about acknowledging a crucial milestone and celebrating the formation of families. The absence of a baby shower for my sons continues to evoke feelings of envy and sadness when I receive invitations to such events. If my friends had known how important this recognition was to me, perhaps things would have been different.
As you support a friend who is embarking on the journey of adoption, remember that this process is intentional and often fraught with challenges. The paperwork alone can be overwhelming, and the emotional rollercoaster can push anyone to their limits. Celebrating an adoption is just as important as celebrating a birth. Ask how the process is going, and refrain from comments that might undermine the gravity of her experience. Avoid suggesting that she is lucky to maintain her figure, as you may not be aware of the struggles she faced leading up to this moment.
Never assume that a family adopting a child does not wish for a celebration, regardless of the child’s age. Every child joining a loving family deserves recognition—the inclusion of cake and perhaps even a few balloons is a fitting way to honor this joyous occasion. The diaper pin game is, of course, optional.
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In summary, the journey of adoption deserves the same recognition and celebration as traditional childbirth. By fostering a culture of acknowledgment and support, we can better honor the unique experiences of all mothers, regardless of how their journey to motherhood unfolds.
Keyphrase: adoption celebration
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