Celebrating my birthday is a joy I look forward to each year, and even more so, I cherish the presents that come with it. My partner and friends are well aware of my discerning taste in gifts, often prompting me to create a wishlist. While it may take away some of the surprise, it spares me the need to pretend to be thrilled—like that time in middle school when I received a neon green, purple, and black jacket that left me questioning my mother’s understanding of my style.
This year, I’ve crafted a comprehensive and detailed list of wishes that I hope to receive after extinguishing the candles on my cake (gluten-free Black Forest, topped with real whipped cream, if you please).
- A weekly backup of my phone, so when I inevitably drop it in an unfortunate location, the young technician doesn’t question, “What do you mean you didn’t back it up?”
- The ability to crouch or climb stairs without my knees sounding like a battle from history.
- An easier merging into traffic, without the need for a rapid head rotation that leaves me in need of medical support.
- An end to the appearances of unexpected blemishes.
- A simpler bedtime routine where my daughter gives me a thumbs-up and peacefully drifts off to sleep, rather than launching into lengthy stories.
- Self-cleaning pillowcases to avoid the unpleasant surprise of a month’s worth of hair musk upon hitting the sheets.
- A modest boost in the bust department, without surgical intervention or pregnancy.
- Lipstick that stays put and doesn’t end up smudged across my chin.
- Zero-calorie cheese—I’m not asking for much here.
- An end to nightmares involving my high school years.
- Candles that create a sense of cleanliness in my living space.
- A device akin to a Roomba that stealthily cleans up glitter and crumbs—my child’s artistic contributions to our home.
- Consistent ID checks when purchasing alcohol, allowing me an internal celebration of my apparent youth.
- More reality programming featuring naked men repairing household items.
- An app that alerts me to potential “teachable moments” with my child.
- Additional hugs, preferably without interruption.
- An hour in a bouncy castle, just for me, with no fear of accidents.
- A bubble bath absent of rogue hairs.
- Two uninterrupted bathroom visits of up to 30 minutes each.
- An app to remind me of upcoming birthdays, so I can be the thoughtful friend I aspire to be.
- The ongoing ability to soothe minor injuries with a kiss.
- Three pairs of jeans that flatter me during periods of less-than-ideal eating habits.
- The courage to answer unknown phone numbers.
- The skill to deliver the perfect retort when faced with rudeness.
- A signature fragrance so captivating it compels others to stop and take notice.
- The ability to enjoy multiple glasses of wine without regretting it the next day.
- A complete absence of gray hair.
- A cheese stick brand that can be opened without requiring engineering expertise.
- A spontaneous weekend trip with my partner—just no camping involved.
- An abundance of salted caramel treats.
- The talent to apply eyeliner flawlessly.
- An Uber-like service for school drop-offs and pickups (where the fare can be paid in snacks).
- A temporary ban on Instagram two hours before bedtime to prevent endless scrolling.
- A significant reduction in dinner preparations.
- Microwave popcorn that doesn’t leave me with a handful of unpopped kernels.
- Skin that transitions with the seasons without becoming excessively dry.
- An end to crow’s feet.
- For my loved ones to outlive me, as the thought of losing them is more than I can bear.
While this list may seem extensive, I recognize the importance of articulating my desires as I approach this milestone. Flexibility is key; I could settle for just one uninterrupted bathroom visit—provided I can bring my phone and a snack.
In summary, these wishes reflect the realities of life, motherhood, and the inevitable passage of time. For those interested in further exploring family planning and home insemination, resources like Women’s Health offer valuable information, and for those curious about at-home insemination kits, check out Cryobaby.
Keyphrase: 38 birthday wishes
Tags: “home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”