During a recent visit to my parents’ home, I discovered my father had relocated to my sister’s former bedroom. Given our family’s reputation for privacy and well-defined personal boundaries, I couldn’t help but exclaim, “Oh my goodness, Mom—Dad is finally leaving you after 51 years! Who is she?!”
“I kicked him out of our bedroom,” my mother replied dryly. “He’s taken a liking to the ‘Thunderstorm’ setting now.”
Her statement needed no further explanation. “Thunderstorm” wasn’t a new dancer at a local club; it was a sound setting. My family, it turns out, is heavily reliant on sleep sound machines. In the ’70s, we had air conditioning units that lulled us to sleep with their gentle hums, and now we turn to brands like Hammacher Schlemmer, Brookstone, and HoMedics. Each of us, in our respective bedrooms, has a sound machine. While the brands may differ, we all agree on one thing: white noise is our go-to. Even our infants were accustomed to the steady whoosh of an air purifier.
At this point in his life, my father shouldn’t be having a mid-life crisis, so his new preference for “Thunderstorm” felt like a betrayal to our sound system traditions.
“Thunderstorm!” my mother reiterated. “Can you believe it? Boom! Boom! Boom!”
Apologies to Eddie Rabbit, but Mom clearly does NOT enjoy a rainy night. While I suspected their marriage would endure, I started to question whether we were being too harsh on my father. Were we overly critical? Were our preferences too rigid? Was it possible that white noise wasn’t the ultimate solution for a good night’s sleep? In the name of exploration and fairness, I decided to experiment with different non-white noise settings on my own sleep machine for several nights. Here’s what I discovered:
THUNDERSTORM
Naturally, I had to start with this setting, and yes—the booming was excessive. If I had added a strobe light for simulated lightning, my room could have resembled a scene from a disaster film. Sorry, Dad, but this one’s a no-go.
TRAIN
This setting genuinely exists, and I initially feared it would be a continuous loop of the song “Drops of Jupiter.” Thankfully, it was just train sounds. Who enjoys this? All night long, I imagined myself traveling with vagabonds intent on stealing my backpack. I ended up sleeping with one eye open, clutching a harmonica.
OCEAN WAVES
While this setting began peacefully, it soon left me craving shrimp, making me Google the nearest Red Lobster. Did I just hear a seagull? Those birds will fight you for a Cheddar Bay biscuit, and honestly, who could blame them? (Biscuits, not seagulls.)
STREAM
Is this setting for those who sleep with rubber sheets? I found myself waking up four times to use the restroom.
CITY
Similar to the “Train” setting, this one left me baffled. After spending the day navigating Houston traffic, who finds it relaxing to hear city sounds while trying to sleep?
SUMMER NIGHT
This brought to mind either a horde of giant locusts attacking my bed or John Travolta in a leather jacket. Both are equally terrifying.
HEARTBEAT
I’ve read too much Edgar Allan Poe for this to be a calming experience.
JUNGLE RHYTHM
Surprisingly serene, if you can ignore the occasional howler monkey and the looming fear of a panther attack.
RAINFOREST
Similar to “Jungle,” but with added humidity and thoughts of oversized spiders. Plus, the memories of Rainforest Cafe charging $9 for a mere five chicken nuggets.
FIREPLACE
Can’t you just feel the warmth and the smooth voice of Barry White? Don’t resist it, baby… oh yeah. But seriously, when was the last time you checked your smoke alarm batteries? Sweet dreams!
ZEN GARDEN
This setting made me anticipate a massage therapist entering the room any moment. I also felt some anxiety, fearing I might accidentally pass gas during the session.
After my extensive testing, I determined that I am, in fact, a white noise aficionado, and I’m perfectly fine with that. I will strive to refrain from judging my father or anyone else for their unique sleep preferences. As for my parents, I hope they can navigate the “Thunderstorm” and find some common ground in their sound choices.
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In summary, finding the ideal sleep sound setting is a personal journey that varies for each individual. While white noise may be the preferred choice for some, others may find tranquility in alternative sounds. It’s essential to explore what works best for you and your sleeping environment.
Keyphrase: sleep sound preferences
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