Menu: Lifestyle
By: Emma Roberts
Updated: Sept. 14, 2023
Originally Published: May 5, 2018
As a divorced mother, I recently experienced what could be the start of a beautiful love story after meeting someone on Tinder. Just three months ago, as I walked into a restaurant for our afternoon date, I couldn’t shake the worry: What if he saw me in person and felt let down? I had selected my best photos for my profile (naturally), but would he recognize that when he saw me? However, as he stood and greeted me with a warm smile, I realized he didn’t seem disappointed at all.
Yet, as I settled next to him, insecurities crept back in, threatening to overshadow this promising moment. Even with a confident demeanor and a “take me or leave me” philosophy, the fear of rejection lingered. You can still desire acceptance and carry the emotional baggage from a previous relationship, desperately trying to conceal those wounds that might make you feel less than beautiful.
After chatting for an hour over drinks, he complimented my photos, saying, “You looked amazing in all of them, but seeing you in person is on another level.” Little did I know how challenging it would be to open my heart again after my marriage ended. It’s not just about dating; it’s about confronting the vulnerability that comes with seeking love anew.
There should honestly be a course on this experience.
I thought I was prepared, but doubts quickly resurfaced. Just be present, I told myself. Let go of the past. Yet, I struggle with this. I can’t help but feel tethered to the woman who discovered her husband’s infidelity after a decade together. Although that was nearly seven years ago, and I’ve made progress, she remains a part of me, locked into my identity.
Letting go of the insecurities tied to my divorce feels impossible. You can emerge stronger after liberating yourself from a toxic relationship and feel proud of your independence, yet there’s that nagging voice that whispers, what if this doesn’t work out either? If I couldn’t sustain my marriage, how can I succeed with anyone else?
It’s less about fearing that my new partner will mirror my ex’s actions and more about allowing myself to evolve and embrace the love I truly deserve. A love that feels complete, even if it’s not flawless. Every moment it isn’t perfect, the inner critic chimes in, reminding me of my unworthiness.
Many of us find comfort in discomfort, inadvertently sabotaging good relationships because it feels familiar. Divorce can shatter your sense of self, and while healing brings a refreshing perspective, there’s always the worry that it won’t last, just as it hasn’t before.
Some of us, like me, may even push away potential partners to avoid being hurt first. Since my divorce, I’ve become one of those women. I recognize that the versions of me from the past are likely here to stay, but the afraid woman I’ve become must go. I refuse to be more at ease with rejecting love than I am with opening my heart to it.
My boyfriend—yes, I’m finally comfortable calling him that—recently told me, “It’s important to discuss any issues we have. If I make you feel a certain way, don’t shut me out. By sharing your needs, you help me understand how to support you.” His words were a revelation: I must also prioritize my own needs. That includes embracing every part of myself, including the joys, pains, and lessons from previous relationships.
I believe our past relationships can wound us, altering our self-perception. They challenge us, frighten us, and often leave lasting impressions. Yet, I also think every relationship contributes to the intricate tapestry of who we are today. Some threads may not be perfect, but those imperfections shape our awareness, sensitivity, and depth.
Right now, there’s someone special I met on Tinder who appreciates all of me. The challenge lies in allowing him to love those parts of me that have been transformed by my past, and I must also learn to love those aspects myself. For more insights on navigating relationships post-divorce, check out this fantastic resource on treating infertility and consider exploring fertility supplements to enhance your journey towards parenthood.
In summary, dating after divorce is a complex journey filled with emotional hurdles and self-discovery. It’s about embracing both the scars and the growth that come with love, vulnerability, and the ongoing endeavor to be open to new possibilities.