Lifestyle
The earliest time I can recall bending the truth was when I was around six years old. My sibling and I were playing with a cherished ceramic dog, a 16-inch figure that belonged to our mother. But in a moment of distraction, it slipped from my grasp, shattering into countless pieces on the floor. While I felt a twinge of dread about facing consequences (let’s be honest, I was a bit scared), my predominant concern was the thought of disappointing my mother. So, I lied.
I told her that I had tripped and that the statue had fallen.
You might think this is a common childhood tale; after all, kids often fabricate stories. This was different for me, though—it marked the inception of a cycle of people-pleasing behavior that would define many of my interactions.
The genesis of my people-pleasing tendencies is a mystery. There wasn’t a defining moment that triggered it, nor was there a sob story that explains it all. However, the day I shattered that statue was pivotal. I realized I could no longer be honest; I had to mold my words to fit what others wanted to hear.
As time passed, I began to weave tales. By the age of nine, I sported glasses I didn’t need and claimed to be an accomplished artist, writer, actor, singer, and dancer. But people-pleasing transcends mere storytelling; it stems from a profound fear of rejection and abandonment—a belief that one is unworthy of genuine connections. It’s an overwhelming inability to say no.
I know I’m not the only one. Countless others, like me, exhaust themselves trying to keep everyone happy, avoiding conflict at all costs. We frequently apologize, suppress our true opinions, and strive to be agreeable to a fault. When friends quarreled, I often found myself in the middle, apologizing and trying to mediate. I did everything I could to make everyone comfortable, even if it came at my own expense.
While this behavior might not seem catastrophic at first glance—awkward and uncomfortable, perhaps—it can be life-changing. Shouldn’t I just “grow a spine”? It’s not that simple.
The ramifications of my people-pleasing ways are not just personal; they affect those around me. I lost a close friend because I opted to tell her what she wanted to hear instead of the truth she needed. My forced laughter and half-hearted affection were transparent, leaving her feeling betrayed and abandoned. We lost not only the good times but also trust.
So why do I persist? Why maintain the façade? Because, like many people pleasers, I grapple with feelings of inadequacy. I constantly question my worth, fearing that if I reveal my true self, no one will accept me. Additionally, there’s a certain addiction to the approval of others. As noted by Dr. Lisa Adams, a psychologist and author, for some, saying “yes” becomes habitual, while for others, it morphs into an addiction tied to feeling needed and valued.
Am I proud of my actions? Absolutely not. I attend therapy every week to confront these issues and work toward self-acceptance. I want to believe that, if I allow myself to be genuine, people will appreciate me for who I am.
Despite the struggle, I continue to fight, share, and write about my experiences. My hope is that my story resonates and provides strength to others who may find themselves in similar circumstances.
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In summary, the journey of a people-pleaser is complex. It intertwines the desire for acceptance with the fear of rejection, leading to a painful cycle of dishonesty and self-doubt. The path to authenticity is challenging, but acknowledging the struggle is the first step toward healing.