Lifestyle
I fell in love with a woman two decades ago. Over these 20 years, we have crossed state lines, rented homes, purchased condos, and ultimately settled into our current house after selling a few along the way. We celebrated our civil union when it was first recognized in our state, and later, we rejoiced when marriage equality became the law of the land.
Throughout this journey, we welcomed three children into our lives. We built a family while striving to balance work and personal commitments, often setting aside stress and anxiety. We cherish the love and joy that fills our lives, even when challenges arise.
While our relationship status has evolved on legal documents and in terms of our rights, our bond has remained unchanged. Whether labeled as a marriage or not, we have always shared a deep partnership.
I could easily refer to my spouse as my wife, but I choose not to.
Legally, my partner, Sarah, holds the title of my wife. Yet, I find that the term doesn’t quite capture the essence of our relationship. Sarah has always been my partner in every sense of the word.
Back when we were in college and just beginning to realize we were more than friends, we didn’t label our relationship. The feelings we shared were profound but unspoken.
As we came to terms with the undeniable bond between us, we made quiet vows to one another. I had long acknowledged my sexuality, having come out to a few friends, but not to family. I was confident in who I was, but for Sarah, embracing her identity as a queer woman was a new and unsettling experience. Together, we awakened feelings of love and attraction that we couldn’t ignore.
In heterosexual relationships, there are labels to define the stages of romance—boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, husband, wife. As a closeted couple, we didn’t enjoy the luxury of these socially accepted titles.
We had no role models or same-sex couples to turn to for guidance. Before discovering a discreet support group for LGBTQ individuals on campus, we had never met another same-sex couple.
In our hearts, we thought of each other as girlfriends, but without anyone to share that with, we kept it to ourselves.
The wonderful relationship we nurtured came with its own fears and worries. We were concerned about the impact of our love on those around us and feared we might have to choose between our families and our relationship. However, our secret love was too significant to keep hidden. When we finally decided to come out, it felt like we were confessing a hidden crime; we lacked the right words to articulate our feelings.
What would we call each other?
During one support group session, an older woman referred to her partner as her lover. I remember Sarah’s surprised glance when she heard the word for the first time. While it carried confidence, it felt too casual for us. Another participant called her partner her girlfriend, which seemed a bit juvenile, as if we were school friends headed to the beach.
Then, a woman slightly older than us introduced her partner as her partner. Yes! That term resonated with us. Though it might sound clinical to some, it perfectly encapsulated our relationship—a commitment to support and uplift each other. We created our own meaningful term in a world where heterosexual couples freely used husband and wife.
Partner signifies our union—a declaration of love between two women. When we introduce each other as partners, it carries the same weight as calling one another husband or wife. The term partner embodies the complexities of our relationship and serves as a code that speaks volumes.
“I’d like you to meet my partner, Sarah.”
I have shared this statement with a mix of anticipation and pride, wondering how the listener would respond. I’ve said it with complete confidence and even with a hint of curiosity, gauging whether they comprehend the depth of what I’m communicating.
Despite some instances where I may have taken the word for granted, the significance of calling Sarah my partner remains profound.
While many in the LGBTQ community have adopted the terms husband and wife, my partner and I have chosen to steer clear of them. Our relationship, though deserving of the title of marriage, transcends the simplistic definition that the word “wife” implies.
In a world that once dictated what we could not be, we forged our own identity. We found a term that belongs solely to us and holds the weight of our journey, struggles, and love.
For those exploring similar paths, you may find useful resources, such as this guide on artificial insemination and this informative article on artificial insemination, which can help you navigate the journey of parenthood. For more insights related to LGBTQ relationships, check out this valuable resource here.
In summary, my relationship with Sarah is defined by partnership, love, and the unique journey we’ve traveled together. While we may not call each other wife and wife, our bond is strong and meaningful in its own right.