Parenting can be incredibly challenging, and I’ve stumbled again. All my child wanted was for me to listen, yet I managed to mess it up. After days of waiting for him to discuss a specific issue, when the moment finally arrived, I went into full-on parenting mode. I unleashed a barrage of advice, sharing “shoulds” and “coulds”, and even sprinkled in some clever anecdotes. The result? He stopped talking immediately. Ugh, I should have known better.
Do you ever find yourself over-parenting like I do? There’s this instinct inside me that surges whenever I’m with one of my kids, and suddenly I feel as if I’m competing for a gold medal in parenting. Unfortunately, this approach does nothing but shut my kids down.
This style of parenting, which I stubbornly cling to despite knowing better, serves my needs, not theirs. I want to feel accomplished, to lay my head down at night knowing I’ve imparted every lesson I’ve learned. Yet, what my children truly crave is for me to simply listen.
I recognized this need long ago, yet I still struggle to meet it. It feels as though fulfilling their needs means neglecting my own, which is incredibly difficult to accept. I remember vividly a conversation I had six years ago with a friend when I expressed my frustration that my daughter wouldn’t heed my advice. It felt like I was losing my grip as a parent.
My wise friend shared her experience with reflective listening, an effective strategy she employed with her daughter. This technique is simple: when your child shares their feelings or experiences, your response should reflect back their sentiments using matching tone and emotion. For example, if your child says, “I feel really sad because my friend said something hurtful,” your response would be, “Oh, that sounds really hurtful, and it’s understandable that you’d feel sad about it.”
I decided to give this method a try, and to my surprise, it truly works! Children often express their thoughts not necessarily seeking advice but simply needing a sounding board. They’re processing their feelings and working through their challenges, and our role is to support them in that journey.
Ultimately, what we desire as parents is to raise self-sufficient kids who can navigate life’s complexities on their own. When they can do this, largely because we provided them with a safe space to express themselves, isn’t that a testament to successful parenting? This is the kind of supportive environment they’ll gravitate towards time and again.
Fast forward six years, and I’m still mastering the art of reflective listening, especially now that my children are teenagers. I can see the positive impact in their reactions when I listen: they make eye contact, their words flow freely, and they appear more relaxed. Conversely, when I slip back into my old habit of giving unsolicited advice, I can see their shoulders droop and their engagement fade.
I’ve made some progress; I catch myself when I fall back into my old patterns and take the time to apologize. I say things like, “I did it again, didn’t I? I just wanted to help, and instead, I shut you down. I’m really sorry. Please give me another chance.” And I sincerely mean it. I strive to improve, even if I trip up now and then.
To further bridge the gap, I asked my kids to let me know if they ever need more than just a listening ear. They responded, “That won’t ever happen, but okay.” And while that stings a bit, it’s a reminder of the complexities of parenting.
This experience encapsulates the essence of being a parent, doesn’t it? For more insights on navigating parenthood, you can check out this excellent resource on family building options or explore our other blog post about home insemination kits to stay informed.
In summary, through reflective listening, I’ve transformed my relationship with my teenagers, fostering an environment where they feel heard and understood. It’s an ongoing journey, but one that’s worth every effort.