The scene was chaotic: my 4-year-old was in tears, my 6-year-old was dashing up and down the stairs, and my eldest was calling for assistance after her shower. It was a typical moment that left me feeling utterly overwhelmed.
“Hang on!” I called out to my oldest, “Your brother is crying, and I need to help him. You can manage on your own.”
“No, I can’t!” she protested. She was right; she truly needed my help. But the desperate wails from the bathroom were impossible to ignore.
“Why do you always help the boys first?” she challenged, and once again, she had a point. But the crying continued, and my oldest son rushed in with the news that his little brother was splashing water everywhere.
The frustration bubbled up inside me. “Ugh!” I muttered under my breath, but my daughter caught my slip.
“Did you just say the ‘u’ word?” she asked, wide-eyed.
I paused, feeling the weight of my emotions.
“Yes, I did,” I admitted, barely able to hold back tears.
“I can’t believe a grown-up said that!” she exclaimed, her shock evident.
Clearly, things were spiraling out of control, and my outburst only intensified my self-doubt about my parenting. Who was I becoming? What did it mean to resort to profanity during such challenging moments? I’ve always believed it was more important to model kindness than to adhere to perfect language. I’ve taught my kids that calling someone “stupid” is worse than accidentally cursing when you stub your toe. We all slip up, but how we handle our mistakes is what really counts.
Yet, I’d never imagined I would resort to cursing out of sheer frustration. Since my husband passed away earlier this year, even the most routine tasks have felt monumental. Single parenting is far more challenging than I ever expected. While I empathized with single parents in the past, I now fully understand the weight of their struggle. It’s a reality that many face, regardless of their circumstances.
I hope I was kind to the single parents I interacted with before, but I realize now that I had no idea what they were truly going through. It’s easy to judge from the outside, but living it is a different story. Of course, I know we shouldn’t allow too much screen time, should be patient, and shouldn’t yell—even when our kids are yelling at us. But without a partner, these tasks become overwhelming.
Every time I hear someone reference “research shows” regarding parenting, I feel my skin crawl. It may be true, but I also know that children raised by single parents often face additional challenges. I can’t change the past; I can’t bring my husband back. I wish I could read well-meaning articles shared by friends and think, “Yes, I can do that!” instead of feeling like my children are doomed. I want to be the kind of mom who strives for the “right” things, but sometimes, I just can’t muster the energy.
The hardest part is the self-judgment. I often worry about what others think, even when they tell me I’m doing a good job. More than anything, it’s my own criticism that weighs heavily on me. Before this year, I felt I was at least a decent mother, but now I’m not so sure.
When I realized I had dropped the f-bomb in front of my impressionable daughter, I knew I had made a significant mistake. I felt the burden of every single parent who has ever struggled. I messed up, and I’m the only role model my daughter has. When she expressed her disbelief that a grown-up could use such language, I responded, “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m feeling overwhelmed, and sometimes that leads to saying things I shouldn’t. It’s not your fault, and I will try to do better.”
Her response? “I know.”
I’m still unsure whether that was heartbreaking or uplifting, but I like to think that she understands I’m doing my best.
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In summary, being a new widow and single parent is a daunting experience filled with moments of overwhelming emotion and self-doubt. However, it’s crucial to remember that striving for perfection is not the goal; doing our best in the face of adversity is what truly matters.