“Stop throwing rocks!” my partner and I shouted at our son during our family vacation at a serene mountain lake. His brother was busy fishing, and our son, feeling restless, decided to engage in some more exhilarating activities—namely, hurling stones into the water to watch the mesmerizing ripples.
“Stop throwing rocks,” we repeated, this time with a hint of urgency. “Don’t make me come over there!” But he persisted, gleefully plucking stones from the roadside we had warned him against and tossing them one by one. Plunk. Plunk. Plunk.
Eventually, he was sent inside to watch TV, a decision we all recognized was less than ideal. After all, throwing rocks into a lake is a quintessential childhood delight—a natural impulse that brings joy and wonder. Yet, we had to consider the nearby fishermen and the societal norms we felt compelled to enforce. This is one of those instances where we are conditioned to suppress instinctual behaviors for the sake of conformity.
Dara Horn, the author of The Immense Pressure of Children to Behave as Tiny Adults, highlights this issue. She argues that we often mold children into a version of conformity that aligns more with adult expectations than with the true essence of childhood—full of curiosity, creativity, and unrestrained exploration. We’re not allowing them to be the rock-throwing, endlessly questioning, and ever-curious beings that they are meant to be.
The School Environment
Take the school environment as an example. Children are crammed into small classrooms, often with 30 peers, for six hours a day, five days a week, with minimal opportunities for physical activity. It’s no surprise that many of them struggle to conform, exhibiting behaviors such as fighting, misbehaving, or simply refusing to comply. A 2008 study found that just a 20-minute walk outdoors can reduce ADHD symptoms in children by 20%.
Additionally, kids are inundated with standardized tests designed to measure and evaluate, which can feel more suited for adults than for young minds still learning to navigate the world. According to The Washington Post, American public school students take an astonishing 112 standardized tests from kindergarten through 12th grade—averaging about eight per year. This amounts to 20-25 hours of classroom time spent merely filling in bubbles, time that could be better spent exploring their interests or simply being kids.
Even outside of standardized testing, the expectations for success are rigid. Children are discouraged from asking too many questions, and their creativity can be stifled by strict grading standards. Homework piles up, often keeping them indoors instead of allowing them to engage with the world outside. This is hardly reflective of the way adults work in their professional lives.
Embracing Uniqueness
While education is essential, and we must teach children to be responsible and considerate, it’s crucial to recognize that our approach may be misguided. We risk stifling individuality and creativity in our attempts to socialize and regulate behavior. The child who may struggle with a reading test because she is engrossed in a novel under her desk. The one who asks too many questions and disrupts the flow of a lesson. Children with ADHD or those who have difficulty sitting still—often, we seek to change them rather than embrace their uniqueness.
As for my son, instead of simply commanding him to stop, we could have found a solution that allowed him to channel his energy positively. We could have moved him to a spot farther from the fishermen or given him a more engaging task, like sorting through interesting natural materials. We could have encouraged the joy of being a child in nature rather than relegating him to the passivity of screen time. That’s the kind of world I want for my children—and for all children.
Further Reading
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To summarize, while structure and education are important, we must be careful not to extinguish the vibrant spirit of childhood. Instead of enforcing conformity, let’s aim to nurture creativity and individuality in our children, allowing them to flourish as their true selves.