Updated: April 24, 2018
Originally Published: April 24, 2018
Recently, I found myself at the grocery store with my mother and my children. My two youngest daughters, Mia and Lila, were perched in the cart. Mia, wearing a bright Peppa Pig dress, had her legs dangling over the edge, while Lila sat cross-legged in the cart in a cute white dress adorned with strawberries. My eldest son, Ethan, was walking beside us in a stylish Minecraft hoodie. My wife, Sarah, was at home. This marked my mom’s first visit to our family in Oregon since our move nearly two years ago, and it was the first grocery outing we had shared in ages.
As we navigated through the produce section, I noticed my mother seemed uneasy. It was unclear if her discomfort stemmed from my role in grocery shopping or from having all three kids with me, or perhaps a combination of both. Growing up, she had married several traditional 1950s-style men who prioritized work over childcare and household tasks.
After filling the cart with fruits and veggies, she finally asked, “Do you typically handle the shopping?”
I paused, then replied, “Yes, most of the time. It just depends on who’s available.”
Mom raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. “Do you usually take all the kids, too?”
“Usually,” I responded. “But it varies. Sometimes, we divide and conquer.”
She chuckled, and I asked, “What’s so funny?”
Looking at me with weary eyes, she reminisced about her own grocery trips with kids who constantly needed attention, all while her husband remained uninvolved in such chores.
“I just don’t know where you learned this from,” she admitted.
I wanted to share that I identify as a feminist. My wife and I have rejected rigid gender roles, choosing instead to work as partners. We’ve switched responsibilities over time: I was a stay-at-home dad while Sarah worked, and now she manages the budget because she’s more adept with numbers, while I often tackle laundry on weekends. During our college years, Sarah supported us financially, and when she returned to school, I was the breadwinner.
Our approach isn’t about superiority; it’s about teamwork focused on a common goal: raising our family. This partnership fosters trust, love, and collaboration—qualities I never observed in my parents’ relationship, which adhered to an unspoken code of gender expectations.
Knowing my mother’s views on feminism—often associated with negative stereotypes—I refrained from using the term. Instead, I articulated the advantages of being a supportive father and husband.
“I must have picked it up along the way,” I said. “But it’s been rewarding.” I explained how I have a deeper understanding of my children—their likes and dislikes, their dietary preferences. Engaging in chores like laundry has opened doors to meaningful conversations about personal care. I’ve taught them everything from mowing the lawn to loading the dishwasher. I honestly feel I know them better than my father ever knew me.
“The best part is the time I get to spend with them,” I concluded. “And I truly cherish that.”
“How does Sarah feel about this?” my mom inquired.
I had to think for a moment. “I assume she appreciates it. We discuss everything as equals. If a task needs to be done, we don’t assign it based on who’s the husband or wife. We assess who is available and capable. This has, in many ways, brought us closer together. I believe she enjoys having an equal voice in our relationship, just as I do. It’s wonderful. But you could always ask her directly about it,” I suggested.
Mom shrugged, likely deciding against asking. Unexpectedly, while we waited in line, she remarked, “I just don’t understand. Your brother is the same way. But I suppose I would have appreciated the help when I was a mother.”
I smiled. As we loaded the groceries into the van, she added, “It seems like you are a good father.”
“You’re starting to sound like a feminist, Mom,” I teased.
She rolled her eyes dramatically and replied, “Don’t start with that nonsense.”
I laughed and said, “I won’t.”
In summary, embracing a feminist approach to fatherhood and partnership offers profound benefits that foster stronger family dynamics and personal growth. It encourages sharing responsibilities and deepens connections, ultimately shaping a richer family life.
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