Recently, I ordered a new tankini online for a vacation we have planned in late May. I wanted a fresh, bold look that would make me feel adventurous.
When the package arrived yesterday morning, my partner’s eyes lit up. I was hoping the top would meet the high-waisted bottom, minimizing any visible skin. Yet, it was clear my partner was wishing for the opposite.
As I opened the box, it became evident that the top wouldn’t meet the bottom, but I decided to try it on anyway. Turning to my partner, I said, “Don’t say no until you see me in the mirror! I really believe you’ll love it. It’s the best swimsuit I’ve ever seen on you. I adore it.”
I took a deep breath and stepped into our spare room, currently filled with unopened boxes from our last move. It also happens to be where my full-length mirror resides.
As expected, a few inches of my rounded belly were on display. I noticed a small, purple vertical scar peeking above the waistband as well.
My C-section scar is higher and not where you’d typically expect. After a long labor, it was simpler to make an incision above my belly button, resulting in a crooked line that’s impossible to hide. The same situation occurred with my second child.
Despite the initial hesitation, I snapped a quick mirror selfie and sent it to two close friends with a message that read, “I’m keeping it.” I walked back out, beaming, and found my partner equally excited. We both knew that this swimsuit was here to stay.
Yet, despite the joy bubbling inside me, I couldn’t help but ask, “Are you sure I shouldn’t cover my stomach? What about this scar?”
His response was simple and profound: “You mean the mark that signifies you brought our children into this world? Emily, you deserve to feel the sun on your skin just like everyone else.”
And I do. I deserve to embrace the warmth of the sun, experience the ocean’s cool touch on my bare skin, and wear comfortable clothing all summer long. I deserve to lay on the sand, even if my body takes up more space than someone else’s. I deserve to sip on fruity drinks and share sweet moments with my partner in the pool under the midday sun.
I am entitled to disregard any negative opinions about my body and truly live, because I am a person — not merely a collection of flaws and imperfections. My partner knows the story behind every inch of me, and I want to wear the swimsuit he loves as a testament to the fact that his opinion is far more valuable than those of strangers.
He understands my struggles with diets, exercise routines, and the occasional late-night indulgence in comfort food. He knows about the nights when we would sneak into the kitchen to whip up carbonara or chocolate chip cookies, laughing together as we enjoyed our favorite movies.
This man appreciates me wholly, not because of my weight or despite it, but simply for who I am. I have curves, and that’s part of my reality. I am as certain of his love for me as I am about my body’s size.
Being loved by a good partner enhances my happiness, but it doesn’t define my worth. I would still deserve sunlight, joy, and respect even if no one else wanted to see my body. My body is valuable not because someone loves it, but because it’s where I reside. I am worthy in my own right.
At 33, I’ve spent far too many summers trying to hide myself, sending a message that I felt unacceptable as I am. My swimsuits have historically screamed, “Don’t look at me. I know I’m too much, which makes me not enough.”
No longer. That’s behind me now. I have plenty of summers ahead, and I won’t waste them squeezing into clothes that make me feel uncomfortable. I deserve to feel the sun on my skin just like anyone else.
Dear reader, you deserve to feel the sun on your skin too. No more hiding. Join me in embracing our bodies. It’s going to be liberating.
For more insights on embracing your journey, check out this article on body positivity. If you’re interested in fertility topics, you might also find this resource helpful. Additionally, for further reading on artificial insemination, visit this Wikipedia page.