Updated: June 3, 2020
Originally Published: April 14, 2018
As I navigate the ups and downs of parenting, it’s evident that my family isn’t exactly winning any awards for exemplary behavior today. One of my children is at the play area, dramatically vying for the top spot on the slide, while the other is yanking a toy from her sister’s grip, completely ignoring the cries of dismay echoing around her.
Enter the pediatrician mom, who knows what’s typical for kids at various ages, but is faced with the reality that her children are, at that moment, acting like little terrors. This moment serves as a reminder that while perfectly behaved children may be a myth, it’s also my duty to help them avoid growing into rude adults.
In my journey to prevent my kids from turning into selfish individuals, I strive to treat their unkind actions as teachable moments. However, my authoritative approach—firm but loving, with high expectations and consistent consequences—often draws surprised reactions from other parents, depending on the crowd.
Our society is currently grappling with parenting styles. There’s a growing trend towards allowing kids to sort things out on their own, promoting a more laid-back approach. While I agree that hovering over our children isn’t beneficial, neglecting to guide them leads to a lack of awareness about the feelings of others.
On the flip side, overly permissive parenting—where affection reigns but rules are scarce—has its own significant pitfalls. The chaos that ensues in a scenario reminiscent of “Lord of the Flies” is not ideal, nor is a group of undisciplined children with an inflated sense of entitlement. I’m sure your kids are perfect angels, but none of the children I’ve encountered are.
The kids I know thrive on clear guidelines and boundaries.
Can parents sometimes go overboard with rules and restrictions? Yes. Can intervening in every disagreement impede a child’s ability to navigate social situations independently? Absolutely. However, we should feel empowered to establish and maintain boundaries while teaching our children values like empathy and kindness.
I’m not suggesting that boundaries and Positive Parenting are mutually exclusive. Understanding the reasons behind our children’s behavior—such as hunger or tiredness—helps us guide them toward better choices. Setting realistic expectations prior to situations is another effective strategy for maintaining structure. Tracy Cutchlow elaborates on these positive parenting techniques in her book, Zero to Five.
As a pediatrician, I observe my peers encouraging parents to embrace their roles with confidence. They often need reassurance that it’s okay to enforce limits and establish consequences.
I don’t claim to be a flawless parent; I sometimes reflect on past decisions with regret. It can be especially challenging to provide a structured environment for a more sensitive or spirited child. Each child’s temperament may require varying degrees of guidance and firmness. Just as authoritarian parenting (rigid and unyielding without warmth) is generally ineffective, passive parenting fails to equip children for success. Much like a bridge without guardrails, life can become precarious without the support that structure provides.
I’m committed to preventing my kids from becoming jerks, even if it means acknowledging that they will occasionally exhibit selfishness, regardless of our efforts. Selfishness is a natural instinct, and combined with their limited self-control and sensitivity to hunger and fatigue, it can feel like a relentless struggle to keep them accountable. Yet, the effort is worthwhile. After all, their future friends, partners, and employers will benefit from the lessons we impart today.
For those interested in further parenting insights, Modern Family Blog provides valuable resources on a range of topics, including effective parenting strategies.
In summary, raising children with empathy and consideration requires a balanced approach. By establishing clear expectations and using positive parenting techniques, we can guide our children towards becoming kind and respectful individuals, even when faced with challenging behaviors.