EDITOR’S NOTE: This is NOT medical advice. The CDC advises against smoking during pregnancy.
Let’s begin with a bit of honesty: my first child was conceived during a rather impulsive moment. It was one of those nights filled with too much drinking and smoking at a local club where smoking was still allowed. At that time, I was a full-blown smoker, puffing on a pack of Marlboro Light 100’s daily. I had picked up the habit in college, and it became a part of my daily routine, intermingled with my love for energy drinks.
When I discovered I was pregnant, my reaction was a mix of joy and anxiety — especially with my smoking habit looming over my head. I reached out to the only midwife in the area, who suggested valerian root as a solution to help me quit. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.
Two weeks into my pregnancy, I faced a threatened miscarriage, which turned out to be related to something else entirely. But in that moment, I was consumed by fear and guilt. I cried through a long ER visit, grappling with thoughts that I might have made a terrible decision by getting pregnant while still smoking. At just six weeks along, I was already battling prenatal depression, a condition that often goes unnoticed yet can lead to severe emotional turmoil.
Many people don’t realize that prenatal depression is more common than they think. It can manifest in numerous distressing ways, including a lack of interest in life, overwhelming fatigue, and even thoughts of self-harm. The only reason I didn’t act on these feelings was my determination to protect my unborn child. I was juggling panic attacks and the struggle to simply stay alive, leaving me with little strength to quit smoking.
So, I continued to smoke — 2-3 cigarettes a day, always in secret. My husband tried to hide my cigarettes, but I always found them. I even enlisted friends to help me buy them, sneaking puffs in private settings to avoid judgment. When it became clear that I needed psychiatric care, I was too terrified to confess my smoking to my doctor. I feared the inevitable lecture and potential repercussions on my medical records.
I smoked in private, concealing my habit so well that even my mother was oblivious during her stay in my eighth month of pregnancy. In the throes of labor, I found respite in cigarettes, especially during the most intense moments of pain. However, once my son was born, my focus shifted entirely to him and the hospital routines. I was so preoccupied with nursing and ensuring he received the best care that I completely forgot about smoking — and surprisingly, I never touched a cigarette again.
Now, my son appears to have suffered no immediate ill effects from my smoking during pregnancy. However, I remain anxious. His ADHD is inherited, and he struggles with eczema, just like his sibling. I can’t shake the worry that my actions during pregnancy might have triggered something more serious down the line. It’s an anxiety I carry with me, fearing that I might have jeopardized his health in ways I can’t even fully comprehend.
I didn’t enjoy smoking during my pregnancy, but I felt trapped in a cycle I couldn’t escape. If I could have quit, I would have done so in a heartbeat. I loved my child and wanted nothing but the best for him, yet my mental health struggles made it incredibly difficult to let go of that habit. It’s a fact I grapple with daily.
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Summary:
In sharing my experience of smoking throughout my pregnancy, I aim to shed light on the complexities of mental health and addiction. My journey was filled with guilt and anxiety, but ultimately led to a newfound focus on my child’s well-being. It’s a reminder that every mother’s experience is unique, and understanding can foster compassion.