As I dropped off your daycare enrollment packet today, the reality hit me—next week, you’ll be joining your big brother at “school.” Initially, I felt a pang of guilt for sending him to daycare while I was home, but I quickly came to appreciate the unique bond we’ve formed during our time together. He enjoyed my undivided attention for 20 months, and for the 10 weeks I took off for your arrival, it was essential for me to focus on you. You deserved dedicated time, and I needed this precious opportunity to connect with you.
Your birth, in the grand scheme of things, was relatively smooth. We were discharged from the hospital within 48 hours, and I was back to running errands in my comfy pants in just a week. Unlike your brother, you were more than happy to be placed down, allowing me to catch a few much-needed hours of sleep each night without constant worry. (And let’s keep this between us, but I may have dozed off with you in my arms a few times.) Nursing came naturally to us, unlike my experience with your brother, where I spent countless hours battling pain and consulting lactation specialists.
During this maternity leave, I checked in with work, responding to emails even though my PTO had run out in less than a week. I made a to-do list filled with tasks like “organize closets” (completed!), “learn to cook” (I actually used the oven more than usual—big win!), “create a will” (thanks to Uncle Matt, this was a breeze), and “write a novel” (not quite accomplished; some goals were a bit ambitious).
However, what I failed to include on this list was to fully enjoy my time with you. Perhaps it was due to my past experience with maternity leave being a haze of sleep deprivation and anxiety or maybe my Type A nature simply doesn’t allow for leisurely moments. Regardless, I fear I overlooked the most vital task, and now it feels too late to make up for it.
In those initial weeks, you spent most of your time sleeping. I could have savored those cuddly moments, but I found myself deep cleaning instead. Then, big brother got sick, and we battled our own colds and sinus issues. You even caught RSV, making that time in our home a whirlwind of doctor visits and late-night snuggles during those terrifying days. The to-do list sat untouched while we tried to navigate our illnesses.
As March rolled in and we started to recover, I realized I had less than four weeks before returning to my job. Instead of spending afternoons on tummy time or reading to you, I was buried in organizing files, balancing our family budget, and running errands, often pushing you around Home Goods and Target to spend our budget wisely.
Now, as I sit here with you on my lap, cooing at me with that delightful gummy smile, tears well up in my eyes. All I want to do is relish this moment, shake your rattle, and read you every book in your collection while ignoring the looming responsibilities of work.
While I’m finally ready to leave my unfinished to-do list behind and focus on you, anxiety creeps in about returning to work and leaving you in someone else’s care for most of the day. One week. Just one week left to soak in those gummy grins, to feel your warmth as you doze on my chest, and to introduce you to the joys of Brown Bear, Brown Bear and Guess How Much I Love You.
Someday, I’ll delve into the inadequacies of maternity leave in our country and advocate for longer time off for new mothers. But for now, I apologize for not fully embracing our first weeks together. I mistakenly viewed it as “free time” to tackle tasks that could wait when, in truth, the most important endeavor these last 11 weeks has been showering you with love.
If you’re interested in expanding your family, explore options like the Inseminator at Home Insemination Kit for a deeper understanding of home insemination. An excellent resource for pregnancy can be found on Wikipedia. For more insights on this journey, check out this Modern Family Blog article.
Summary
This heartfelt reflection captures the bittersweet emotions of a mother as she approaches the end of her maternity leave. Balancing responsibilities, health challenges, and the joy of new motherhood, she expresses the importance of cherishing moments with her newborn amidst the pressures of daily life and work obligations.