“Earlier today, when you were laughing on the bed… You looked ridiculous.” Those words from my mother cast a long shadow over my self-esteem. Each time I found something amusing, my instinct was to cover my mouth, hiding the noticeable gaps between my teeth. I would squint my eyes to mask the way laughter accentuated my round cheeks.
Perhaps she didn’t intend to imply that I looked foolish every time I laughed or that my sense of humor was beneath her. Maybe it was simply a comment about that particular moment, but I’ll never know; I never had the courage to ask her before she passed away. Even if she were here today, I doubt I would find the strength to confront her about why she deemed it acceptable to critique her child in such a way.
I recognize that, even without her remark, I would have faced periods of low self-esteem. As an early bloomer, the noticeable changes in my body led me to awkwardly hide behind my friends. Nicknamed “Four Eyes” for my glasses, I was painfully shy. These factors, combined with my tendency to overthink, likely would have driven me toward self-doubt and excessive mirror-gazing.
Yet, that harsh comment from the one person I spent the most time with embedded itself in my mind, surfacing whenever I felt vulnerable. Now, I find it challenging to laugh freely without instinctively trying to obscure my face—whether by gazing at the floor or opting for a smirk instead of a genuine laugh.
Fifteen years have passed since my mother made that remark, yet it lingers in my memory. Today, as I watch my son play on the floor, with his adorable dimpled wrists and chubby rolls, I wonder how I can ensure he never experiences what I did. He is a joyful child, and his laughter is the sweetest sound I have ever heard. His eyes, just like mine, shine with innocence and charm, though I often see my flaws reflected in the mirror.
I know I will stumble as a parent. I might lose my patience or forget to pack essentials for school, and I will inevitably disappoint him at times. However, one thing I vow is to never let him doubt his own brilliance. I will always remind him that he is extraordinary, just as he is.
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In summary, while my mother’s words affected me deeply, I strive to create a nurturing environment for my child, where he feels valued and loved, free from the shadows of harsh judgments.