Parenting is a demanding journey, often resembling a carefully orchestrated plan. Take my friend, Sarah, a single mother whose daily routine is a marvel of organization: rising early to nurse her infant while her preschooler enjoys some screen time, preparing breakfast, dressing both children, and managing to get herself ready for work—all while juggling drop-offs at daycare and nursery school. After a hectic day that includes commuting, grocery shopping, dinner preparation, and bedtime stories, she finally manages to clean the kitchen and answer emails before getting to bed for a few precious hours of sleep.
Despite her busy life, Sarah rarely complains. Yet, during a recent school pickup, she expressed a wish for her kids to watch less TV. Another mom chimed in, suggesting, “Can’t you just set out some crayons or crafts? That’ll keep him busy for a little while.” Sarah sighed, acknowledging that while she could try that, the TV guarantees at least 10 to 20 minutes of peace, whereas the crayons often lose their appeal in mere seconds—and then there’s the mess to deal with.
In another instance, Emily, a friend with a demanding job, lamented her reliance on frozen dinners. A well-meaning member of our group suggested, “Can’t you just prep meals on the weekends and reheat them during the week?” Emily responded, “Not really,” explaining that her weekends are already packed with errands and child care.
While these exchanges were not hostile, they inadvertently left the mothers feeling a bit inadequate, as if their lives weren’t as perfect as they “should” be. The reality is that many parents struggle to meet societal expectations, even with flexible schedules. I often find myself unable to squeeze in cooking, exercise, or quality time with my kids, leaving many tasks undone. I appreciate helpful tips, like quick cleaning hacks or time-saving recipes, but they don’t change the undeniable fact that time is limited.
It would be kinder for us to acknowledge that not every challenge has a perfect solution. Sometimes, the best option might be ordering takeout or allowing for an extra hour of screen time. I personally experienced the “can’t you just…” moment when my second son was merely six weeks old. A college friend invited us to a park, and I chose not to go due to the overwhelming logistics involved. When I shared my hesitation, my friend suggested, “Can’t you just put the baby in a carrier and bring a travel stroller?” While technically possible, the thought of juggling everything felt impossible at that moment. I was exhausted and felt guilty for missing an opportunity for my son.
This phrase, though seemingly innocuous, can add to the stress of already overwhelmed parents. Many of us cannot manage home-cooked meals every night or maintain spotless homes. Sometimes, we simply want to collapse on the couch with a pint of ice cream. Let’s work together to eliminate this phrase from our parenting conversations. It’s not our responsibility to solve our friends’ problems, especially when they likely know the potential solutions already. Instead, we can offer empathy, such as saying, “Hey, frozen meals are great too!” or “TV time isn’t the end of the world; we turned out fine.” While it’s tempting to suggest solutions, sometimes the best support we can offer is reassurance that they’re doing just fine.
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In summary, let’s banish the “can’t you just…” phrase from our parenting dialogue. A little understanding can go a long way in alleviating the pressures of parenthood.