This is it… my last month of attempting to get pregnant. After this, I’m putting it all behind me. I’ll indulge in wine without hesitation, finally shed the baby weight from my first child, born three years ago, and enjoy coffee guilt-free. I’ll take whatever supplements I choose without worrying about how they might impact my chances of conception. This is it. After this month, I’m done.
For 39 years, I enjoyed the freedom of being single until an unexpected reunion with an old friend led to a whirlwind romance. Six months later, we were living together, and just three months after that, we discovered I was pregnant. We tied the knot and welcomed our beautiful daughter. I was 40 at the time.
To my surprise, six months after her birth, I found myself pregnant again. I was filled with dread. The early months of parenthood and marriage were challenging enough. During my 8-week ultrasound, I learned that the fetus measured only 6 weeks. I suffered a miscarriage that left me feeling emotionally numb. I thought we would conceive again, so we kept trying.
I bought ovulation kits and pregnancy tests in bulk, meticulously tracking every sign of pregnancy. I devoured articles about conceiving after 40. After a year of disappointment, my husband and I paid $250 for a fertility specialist to deliver the harsh reality of our age and declining chances of natural conception. Disheartened, we decided to continue trying on our own.
By summer, I was ready for a change and embarked on a strict diet to lose the baby weight. Then, in late July, I missed my period and discovered I was pregnant once more. We were thrilled, feeling as though we had defied the odds. Forget that doctor and his statistics!
At seven weeks along, I experienced severe bleeding that landed me in the emergency room. Expecting the worst, we were overjoyed to see a healthy fetus with a heartbeat. We scheduled a follow-up appointment for two weeks later, hoping everything was fine. Unfortunately, there was no heartbeat at that visit. Again, I felt an overwhelming sadness that was almost indescribable.
The loss of an 11-week fetus is a peculiar experience. There are no visible changes in your body, yet everything feels different. It’s painful to see pregnant women or newborns around me. My daughter’s teacher is expecting, and several friends and neighbors are also pregnant. It feels like everyone is having babies, even those who thought they were done.
I want to celebrate their joy, but I can’t help feeling a sense of loss, wishing for my own second child. How can I express this when my loss seems minor compared to others? When I mention my miscarriage, people often don’t know how to respond, which adds to the heaviness I carry. And on top of everything, I’ve regained the weight I lost, making me feel even heavier.
Since October, my husband and I have been trying again, following the doctor’s advice. I use an app to track my ovulation and we’re intimate every other day during my fertile window. Yet, each month brings the disappointment of my period returning.
I hoped and prayed for a rainbow baby, calculating due dates and wishing on dandelions and shooting stars. Even consulting the magic eight ball didn’t yield good news this time. Perhaps there’s some truth in that fertility doctor’s words after all.
Honestly, I’m exhausted from reading articles on getting pregnant after 40. Maybe it’s time to embrace coffee, wine, and a more relaxed approach. Life can continue with just the three of us, right? Next on my search list: “amazing only children” and “famous only children.”
After this month.
This article was originally published on March 8, 2018.
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Summary:
The author reflects on her final month of trying to conceive, sharing her emotional journey through pregnancy, loss, and the challenges of trying again at 40. She grapples with feelings of sadness and jealousy as friends and family announce their pregnancies, while also contemplating a future that may include only her and her daughter. Ultimately, she considers embracing a different lifestyle, full of freedom and self-care, as she moves forward.