When I welcomed my first child, I was filled with anxiety about the journey ahead—especially when it came to breastfeeding. As a new mother, I felt pressured by the prevailing belief that breastfeeding was essential and that formula feeding was somehow detrimental. The idea was that breastfeeding would create an unbreakable bond between me and my baby. Unfortunately, that wasn’t my experience.
During those initial weeks with my son, I found myself grappling with an overwhelming sense of dread each time I nursed him. It wasn’t until my sister encouraged me to follow a blogger who candidly discussed the ups and downs of breastfeeding that I stumbled upon a term that changed everything: D-MER, or Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex.
Sitting in my nursing chair, I had a revelation—it wasn’t just me. Each time my milk let down, I was hit with waves of anxiety, panic, anger, and an inexplicable longing for home. According to the Australian Breastfeeding Association, D-MER manifests as negative emotions that arise just before a mother’s milk ejection reflex during breastfeeding or expressing. Alia Macrina Heise, an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, explains on D-MER.org that this condition is linked to a sudden drop in dopamine at the moment of letdown, leading to these distressing feelings. It’s crucial to understand that D-MER is not the mother’s fault, and simply trying to “push through” is not a viable solution for most women.
Despite recognizing what I was experiencing, I continued to breastfeed without seeking help from my healthcare provider. When my son turned five months old, he began refusing to nurse, so I resorted to pumping for an additional seven months. The emotional turmoil of D-MER lingered throughout that time, although some women may not experience symptoms while pumping. I wish I had reached out for support sooner.
With my second child, I felt better prepared and found ways to distract myself during feedings. While it was still challenging, I managed to breastfeed for ten months until my milk supply dwindled. By the time my third child arrived, I was determined to tackle D-MER head-on. I was on medication for anxiety and depression that seemed effective, and I thought I could manage the feelings that came with breastfeeding. For the first three months, everything was stable—until it wasn’t. Panic attacks resurfaced, and my mental health declined. Finally, at six months postpartum, I made the decision to stop breastfeeding.
Now, as I navigate my pregnancy with baby number four, I’ve resolved not to breastfeed this time. The mantra of “fed is best” resonates deeply with me, and I’m fortunate to have a supportive partner who shares my perspective. My OBGYN and psychiatrist have also backed my decision, and there has been no judgment—only encouragement.
Breastfeeding is not a one-size-fits-all journey. Some may not experience D-MER, while others may have different reasons for choosing not to breastfeed. Whatever your situation, trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being. If you suspect you may have D-MER or have experienced it in the past, don’t hesitate to consult your doctor, as I regret not doing so.
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Summary
D-MER, or Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, is a little-known condition that can make breastfeeding a distressing experience for some mothers. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are not the mother’s fault, and support is available. Every mother’s journey is unique, and it’s essential to make choices that align with your personal well-being and family needs.