Parenting Insights
Parenting can be an exasperating journey. Amid the delightful laughter, soft hugs, and the awe of watching childhood unfold, guiding a young person through various developmental phases often proves to be challenging. With seventeen years of experience under my belt, I can confidently state that parenting is a complex task.
The truth is, our children aren’t the source of our frustrations; it’s simply the nature of the role we’ve taken on. However, it’s all too easy for our frustrations to spill over into our interactions with our kids. I’ve lost count of the times my impatience has influenced how I communicate with my children, especially when they struggle with a behavior that tests my patience.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Over the years, I’ve come to see a child exhibiting challenging behavior not as a defiant act, but as a sign that they are struggling. Even if it appears they are acting out intentionally or continue a behavior despite being asked to stop, most children genuinely wish to please their parents and do the right thing. They try their best; they just often find it hard to balance their spontaneous urges with their deeper desire to make us proud.
Sometimes this looks like a child forgetting to finish a chore they’ve been reminded of, or perhaps they dawdle instead of cleaning up their toys. Other times, it may manifest as a child who cannot keep their hands to themselves.
It’s easy to resort to shouting when our children misbehave, but there’s a more constructive approach that protects both our voices and our relationships with them.
The first step is to recognize that misbehavior often signals a child who is struggling. The next step is to get down to their level and say something like: “I can see that you want to do your best right now. How can I assist with that?”
These words—or something similar—can create a significant shift. By asking how you can help, you invite them to strive for their best without shaming them. You’re reinforcing the idea that they are fundamentally good, that they want to do well, and that you’re there to support them.
Isn’t that our primary role as parents? To nurture the best in our children? To equip them with the motivation and skills necessary to reach their potential? No one feels inspired by being criticized or humiliated. While some children might behave out of fear of a parent’s anger, this isn’t genuine motivation. It stems from a desire to avoid negative consequences rather than a true impulse to do well.
Authoritarian parenting, which equates respect with fear, has been shown to be ineffective and even harmful. Obedience derived from fear is not the same as mutual respect. I want my children to obey because they understand the wisdom I offer, because they trust me, and because they feel an inner drive to excel—not because they fear my reaction.
If I fail to acknowledge my child’s intention to do well and don’t convey that I’m there to help them succeed, am I not teaching them that there’s something wrong with them? That they need to be corrected, that their challenges signify some flaw in their character?
We are all on a journey toward becoming the best versions of ourselves. Children are no different; they are just in the process of developing the skills needed to navigate this journey. Keeping this perspective at the forefront of our minds—and shaping our communication accordingly—will help them understand that we believe in their ability to improve and that we are there to assist them.
Of course, this isn’t easy. As imperfect beings, we often encounter frustration while raising other imperfect beings. But as the adults, we must model self-control and understanding. If we struggle to manage our reactions to our children’s behavior, how can we expect them to handle their responses to life’s challenges?
Kids are learning and often struggling, and they need our support to do their best. They need to know we believe they are trying and that they are capable.
Parenting is tough, and so is being a child. By modeling patience, trust, and encouragement, both we and our children can strive to be our best selves. For more insights, check out this engaging discussion by our hosts, Mia and Ryan, on the Modern Family Blog.
In summary, instead of resorting to yelling when our children misbehave, we should try asking how we can help them. This approach promotes understanding and support, fostering a healthier parent-child relationship.