When I first started dating my future husband, I was all about spontaneity—our encounters could happen anywhere: daytime rendezvous, late-night escapades, or even sneaking into a bar. But after the arrival of our first child, intimacy quickly became a distant memory, overshadowed by the demands of parenthood. Suddenly, sex fell to the bottom of my priority list, trailing far behind essentials like “get some sleep” and “clean the fridge.”
The exhaustion was palpable. With postpartum challenges and the endless cycle of nursing, my energy was depleted. By the time evening rolled around, I often felt completely “touched out.” Some nights, the most we could manage was holding hands under the blankets, praying our baby would sleep for a blessed four-hour stretch. Once we finally adjusted to life with one child, we welcomed another, and then another a few years later.
You might be surprised to learn that the passionate intimacy we once took for granted vanished after becoming parents. According to a survey by Help-Link’s Expectations vs. Reality campaign, it seems we’re not alone in this experience. The poll, which included 2,000 expectant and current parents, highlighted a stark contrast between the romantic expectations of parenthood and the often harsh realities.
Before kids, an impressive 92 percent of couples believed they’d remain in love after the little ones arrived. Sixty-one percent anticipated a satisfying love life, eagerly looking forward to date nights three times a month and intimate moments three times a week. I can’t help but chuckle at these statistics. My husband and I are lucky to get out once a month, and if I’m honest, a quick trip to Whole Foods without kids qualifies as quality time. And sex three times a week? Ha! I struggle to maintain a dental hygiene routine that often doesn’t reach three times weekly.
It’s not that we lack desire; it’s that the all-consuming nature of parenting tends to sap our libidos. Newborns wake you multiple times at night, leaving you drained for the next day. Toddlers often refuse to sleep and may even invade your bed during the night. As they grow, the constant contact—whether it’s climbing all over you or demanding your attention—leaves little room for intimacy. And once they grow more independent, the worry about their emotional well-being takes center stage, further diminishing the space for romantic connection.
Before embarking on parenthood, it’s easy to dismiss the warnings. Even if you’ve heard tales of lost intimacy, you assume you won’t fall into that category. You might believe that parenting will only strengthen your bond. Research indicates quite the opposite, but you can’t help but feel unique. Surely, you will defy the odds.
As for those who struggle to connect after having kids? They must not be as enamored as you are or simply didn’t devise a plan to ensure quality time while the baby naps or plays on their brightly colored mat. But let me assure you, it’s not that easy.
Nearly 25 percent of parents surveyed expressed dissatisfaction with their romantic lives, and one-fifth reported that their sex lives were virtually nonexistent. I’d wager many are among the 57 percent who no longer have regular date nights or the 31 percent who feel they’ve fallen out of love. Some 18 percent have even opted to end their partnerships.
While the statistics are disheartening, it doesn’t mean you have to accept a lackluster relationship or a near-celibate existence until your kids leave the nest. Although organizing regular date nights may seem daunting, setting aside even a few minutes daily for undistracted one-on-one conversations can be transformative. Melissa T. Schultz, author of From Mom to Me Again, suggests this approach is crucial for a lasting relationship. Alternatively, you might consider creating a relationship bucket list of activities you’d love to do together, similar to what famous couples like Jay-Z and Beyoncé have done.
As for reigniting the spark in your intimate life, psychotherapist Esther Perel, in an interview with the National Post, advised that prioritizing sex on your to-do list can make a significant difference. It’s not about viewing intimacy as a chore but rather valuing the experience.
So, if all it takes is bumping “sex” up my to-do list to achieve marital happiness, I’m all in! Just let me have my seven hours of uninterrupted sleep first.
For more insights on parenting and family life, check out this guide on pregnancy or learn about home insemination kits that can help you expand your family. You can also explore further details on this topic here.
Summary
A recent study highlights the disparity between the romantic expectations of parenthood and the reality many couples face. As exhaustion and parenting demands take priority, intimacy often suffers. While statistics show a significant number of parents are dissatisfied with their love lives, there are ways to reconnect. Setting aside time for communication and making intimacy a priority can reignite passion in your relationship.